You think I was kidding with that? I wasn't: We cut immediately to Jean's former room at The Home, where Sue deals with paperwork while Kurt and Finn natter on endlessly about how they've divided Jean's possessions up in a manner paralleling Emma's earlier treatment of Will's vast vest collection earlier in the hour, and long story short, Sue tells them to trash everything except for a worn-out copy of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, which was Jean's favorite movie and which Finn and Kurt are free to keep for themselves, and one stuffed animal Jean had had since she was six, which Sue intends to take with her. Kurt rudely attempts to interpolate himself into Sue's grief, and she rather magnificently shoots him down before instructing them thusly: "Take all this stuff to the Dumpster on your way to the rehearsal for whatever treacly ballad you're planning on using to ruin my sister's funeral." "If you hate us so much, then why are you letting the Glee Club plan the service?" Kurt shrieks, having had enough of Sue's guff, or something, and she shuts him right up when she admits, "I was afraid no one would come." Which means, of course, that in A True TV Funeral Miracle, the wake will be bursting with Jean's many hundreds of friends and acquaintances, but I'm getting way too far ahead of this thing, here, so let's just cut to the next commercial break, shall we?
Funeral. Sue sits outside the venue in her SUV for a moment, gazing at a photograph of Jean in happier times, and hey! That's not a 1979 Le Car! What the hell, Glee? Next thing I know, you'll be telling us she's not actually 29 years old. In any event, Sue eventually enters the funeral home, where she's greeted by Will, and wouldn't you know it? It's A True TV Funeral Miracle! Yep, the chapel's filled to bursting with Jean's many hundreds of friends and acquaintances. I can't deal with this bullshit at all, and the children have set up miniature reproductions of the candied mushrooms from Wonka's Chocolate Room beneath Jean's casket, and someone thought it would be a brilliant idea to place an actual chocolate fountain right next to the coffin, like, what? Are the guests supposed to spear little bits of Jean on fondue forks helpfully provided by Brit-Brit and dip them into that crap? Why? Are they trying to save on actual burial costs? What the hell is going on here?
GOD. ANY-way, a priest-like gentleman eventually makes his way to the front of the room to address Jean's many hundreds of friends and acquaintances, and he then invites Sue up to offer everyone a few words. Sue almost immediately loses her composure -- and again: The problems I have with this episode are most definitely not with Jane Lynch, who is wonderful -- so Will takes it upon himself to read Sue's eulogy for her, and that's not obnoxious and inappropriate at all, and then the children all stand to arrange themselves around that asinine chocolate fountain and sing "Pure Imagination" from Jean's favorite movie. That whirring noise you hear is poor Jean Sylvester spinning around in the grave she's not even in yet.