This episode was so plot-tastic, I barely know where to begin, but I'll do my best to keep this brief:
Burt Hummel finally proposes to Denim Carole, and Kurt -- in the throes of an absolute gay ecstasy, natch -- immediately begins planning an elaborate wedding set to feature the entire Glee Club as bridesmaids and groomsmen, because Burt and Carole apparently have exactly zero friends and family of their own to step in and fulfill those roles. Unfortunately, Karofsky chooses this especially happy moment to get especially psycho-killer creepy, and when Mr. Schue witnesses a particularly ick-making moment of intimidation in the hallway, he marches Kurt directly into Principal Sue's office to demand that Karofsky be expelled. Alas, there's little Sue can do legally to alleviate the situation, because Karofsky's threats thus far have yet to explode into actual brain-bashing smackdown violence, so Kurt must again suffer in noble silence like the holy gay martyr he is until the other members of the Glee Club decide to do something about it.
New Directions' football contingent -- sans Finn, 'cause he's suddenly got Capital-I Issues with the whole thing -- confronts Karofsky in the locker room before practice, and the situation quickly degenerates into an all-out melee that Coach Beiste is forced to break up by hauling Karofsky off Lady Lips, whom Karofsky has positively pummeled, and still Karofsky remains unpunished. Unpunished, that is, until Burt gets wind of the whole depressing mess, and after Burt demands a sit-down in Sue's office with Dave and his father, Paul, Sue determines that Dave is to be expelled from McKinley effective immediately -- a determination that Mr. Karofsky meekly accepts for all of ten seconds before appealing to the school board, which promptly reinstates Dave, also effective immediately. Kurt insists he cannot remain in the same school as his primary tormentor, so Burt and Carole forgo their elaborate Waikiki honeymoon and use the money to transfer Kurt to Dalton.
Meanwhile, while all that was going on, Rod Remington humiliates Sue on live television by announcing his engagement to his bimbo co-anchor, so Sue decides to marry herself, and not only is she marrying herself, she's marrying herself -- as in, Sue will be the bride, and Sue will be the other bride, and Sue will also be the officiant, thanks to an ordination she purchased on the Internet. The entire storyline's an ungodly mess that makes absolutely no sense, but it does allow for the introduction of Carol Burnett as Sue's long-lost Nazi-hunting mother, and she and Jane Lynch duet in a number that's quite possibly one of the best they've ever produced on this show. But that might just be the raging show-tune queen in me talking.
Also meanwhile, while all of that was going on, Finn has a crisis of confidence related to his evidently non-existent leadership abilities, which I totally wasn't paying attention to because so much other shit was happening tonight. The good news is, he got over it in time for Burt and Carole's endless frigging wedding, which took up the better part of this evening's second half. Heartfelt vows were exchanged, heartfelt toasts were offered, and Bruno Mars made a shit-ton of money. Oh, and they also ripped off that infamous wedding party entrance that seems like it originally occurred approximately three hundred trillion years ago, but in fact only took place in July 2009.
I have a horrible feeling I'm missing something terribly important, but I'm sure I'll catch it in the recap proper.
Featuring well-deployed instrumentals of "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" and "Be My Baby" that ended up being the only musical elements of this musical comedy's first thirty minutes; Wonderful Town's "Ohio," wonderfully performed by Carol Burnett and Jane Lynch; Bruno Mars's "Marry You," performed by the entire Glee Club as Burt and Carole's processional; the English language version of Pablo Beltrán Ruiz's "¿Quién será?" as performed by Mr. Schue at Burt and Carole's wedding reception; and Bruno Mars's "Just The Way You Are" as performed by the entire wedding party, also at Burt and Carole's wedding reception. I told you that goddamn wedding lasted forever.
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After the unnecessary previouslies, the screen fills with Kurt Hummel's ecstatic face. Shut up, Kurt. Wow, this is going to be a long evening. Kurt's roaming through McKinley's halls with his father on one arm and Denim Carole on the other, and the adults look nearly as pleased as the child. They bubble up to a typically befuddled-looking Finn, who goes, "What's going on?" "They bombarded me," Kurt replies, nodding to either side, "and forced me to bring them to you." Burt and Carole immediately proceed to natter away at each other, all "You tell him!" "No, you tell him!" until Carole somehow prevails and Burt plasters a broad smile across his face to open, "So, you know how I drive Carole to work every Tuesday?" Finn apparently does. "Well," Burt continues, detaching himself from Kurt to sidle on over between Finn and his mother, "today I drove here, and we snuck into that classroom where Kurt introduced us -- very romantic of me, I might add -- and..." "HE PROPOSED!" Carole shrieks, no longer able to contain herself. "HE PROPOSED!" she shrieks again, flapping her new engagement ring in her son's face. Finn dims something dull-witted as Burt and Carole move in on each other for a smooch, and when the parentals finally come up for air, Carole grins, "We wanted the two of you to be the first to know!" "After the kids in that homeroom," Burt amends.
He pulls everyone together for a "family group hug," and to say that Finn is not amused with this shocking development would be something of an understatement. Utterly blind to her son's obvious discomfort for what I'm guessing are entirely understandable reasons, Carole flutters about her sudden-onset pre-wedding jitters, allowing Kurt the perfect opportunity to assume complete creative control of the now-impending nuptials like the good little party-planning homosexual all of us are required to be on TV. "I have a trunkful of wedding magazines hidden under my bed!" he squeals, and I'd tell him to shut up again, but I've a feeling if I told him to shut up every time he needs to shut up tonight, this recap will end up bearing a striking resemblance to this masterpiece, so I'll instead keep my own mouth closed for the moment and listen on as Kurt babbles, "I'm thinking of a russet-and-cognac theme -- those are colors, Finn, fall wedding colors. Autumnal!" Finn studiously avoids eye contact with his soon-to-be stepbrother, all the while visibly withering with embarrassment over being associated with the lisping cliché now working himself into a hyperventilating tizzy over the prospect of draping Denim Carole's bridesmaids in varying shades of reddish brown and brownish red. Or maybe that's me with all the withering and such.