We return from the break to find brutally stupid Finn wrestling with a clip-on tie. Santana Lopez materializes, seemingly out of the ether, and as she's swathed in varying shades of reddish brown and brownish red, I'm guessing we've arrived at the first wedding of the evening. Also, remember how I went to great lengths to transcribe Santana's dark threat against Dwarf Rachel a few paragraphs ago? This is the payoff. Santana has Finn sit so she can clip that difficult tie onto him herself, and as she fusses with his collar, she too-casually remarks, "I'm guessing you know that you're losing it -- I mean, Sam is clearly the new glee favorite, he's gonna become starting quarterback..." "What's your point?" Finn interrupts. "My point," Santana smiles, carefully adjusting Finn's collar the entire time, "is that you need a coolness injection -- if we were honest, and we told people we did it last year? You would go from uncool to Chilly Willy in a heartbeat!" Finn can't do that, because he told Rachel that nothing happened on the night in question, and Rachel herself not one side-smear ago finally confessed that she never did anything with the much-missed Jesse St. James, either, so if Rachel finds out now that Finn's been lying to her this entire time, she'd break up with him. "And this would be bad because...?" Santana leads. "Because I'm in love with her, and I don't want to hurt her feelings!" Finn splutters. Santana's patience snaps at that, and she instantly ramps her fabulous bitch factor up to eleven to peeve, "Okay, don't you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of loserdom?" Finn loses his temper and orders her to leave, so Santana slyly suggests, "Maybe I'll tell her -- I mean, if you two broke up, we'd be free to see each other, right?" On cue, clueless Rachel arrives at this very instant to look all waifish and vulnerable and such, so Santana beats it, but not before tossing Finn A Look Fraught With Significance. DUN!
Church. A grist of McKinley band geeks synth-pop their way into the opening vamp of Bruno Mars's "Marry You," and Will and a bunch of people we've never seen before take this as their cue to pivot in their seats for the bridal party's processional. And as I noted in the recaplet, that processional is a direct rip-off of off this one, which occurred so many pop culture cycles ago that it seems like some bizarre and obscure Bronze Age ritual they decided to dredge up for whatever godawful reason. Also, because Burt and Carole apparently have no family or friends of their own, the bridal party is composed entirely of Glee Club members. What sad, sad human beings these people are. In any event, the children belt out the number as they shimmy down the aisle, and I want to say it's very cute, but I hated the original version of this obnoxious mess so much, I'm afraid that will be impossible. Eventually, everyone reaches the altar, and the priest steps forward to begin the nontraditional ceremony, in which no prayers will be recited in favor of having Burt and Carole offer those gathered their personal thoughts on this joyous occasion, and if there's one thing I absolutely cannot stand, it's self-obsessed navel-gazing nitwits forgoing tradition in favor of offering their personal thoughts. HATE. However, in the interest of completeness, I shall endeavor to jot down everything that is said.