Unfortunately, Mr. Schue disagrees with me, and he motors on over to Kurt's side to make a federal case out of the whole thing. In this, he is greatly assisted by Kurt's histrionic reaction to Karofsky's vicious pokery, and they waste no time in dragging us over to The Maharishi's once and future office, where Principal Sue asks, "Did he physically hurt you?" Kurt's forced to admit that Karofsky did not. "You said he shoved you into the lockers before," Mr. Schue interjects, trying to be helpful, but Principal Sue notes, "I can't expel a kid just for shoving -- he'll say, 'I didn't mean to shove that kid, I tripped!' That excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time." Heh. Kurt cuts through Principal Sue's delicious insanity to claim that Karofsky "terrified" him, but that's not grounds for expulsion, either. "Lady," Principal Sue begins, addressing Kurt with her usual nickname for him, "I can't suspend a student because he scares you." "High school is a dry run for the rest of your life," she observes, and as such, "it can be rough -- people can be mean." Mr. Schue is outraged. "That's your advice?" he eyebrows. "That's all you have to say?"
The long-suffering Saint Kurt presses the back of his downtrodden hand against his weary forehead as Principal Sue exposits, "William, I was bullied my entire life -- I grew up with a handicapable sister, and I know very well how cruel people can be." "Was it difficult?" she continues rhetorically, easing herself into her chair as she calmly lays it on the line for them. "Yes. Did it make me stronger? You bet it did." Saint Kurt deliberately ignores everything Principal Sue just told him in favor of waxing beleaguered over Karofsky's vicious pokery for a while before blurting out, "You don't know what's going on in this kid's head! You don't know what he's capable of!"
Both Mr. Schue and Principal Sue pick up on Saint Kurt's unintentional slip of the tongue, and Mr. Schue asks the martyr what he meant by his last remark. Instead of doing something sensible -- like, oh, telling them what a huge fucking 'mo Karofsky is, Saint Kurt brushes his last remark off as nothing, leading Principal Sue to lean forward across her desk to stress, "Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me, and I will expel him faster than a Thai takeout place can read back your delivery order, okay?" Settling back in her chair again, she apologetically adds, "But until that happens, there's nothing legally I or the school board can do." Mr. Schue sighs, and he and Saint Kurt rise to leave, with the martyr melodramatically pausing at the exit to whisper in his very best Afterschool Special tones, "You know, when you call me 'Lady,' that's bullying!" Bitch, please. "I'm sorry," Principal Sue beautifully replies, "I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: 'Gelfling,' 'Porcelain,' or 'Tickle Me Doughface.'" "I guess I'll go with 'Porcelain,'" Saint Kurt sniffs. "Damn," Principal Sue shakes her head. "Totally wanted 'Tickle Me Doughface.'" Really, Sue? 'Cause 'Gelfling' is so on-the-nose, it's terrifying. Commercial.