Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 2 USERS: B-
The Tribulation Of Saint Kurt

"Ow!" Carol Burnett flinches upon contact with Sue. "You poked me in my sternum!" she claims, passively-aggressively explaining, "I always forget that you have this rib cage that's kind of weird." "But adorable!" Carol Burnett adds as she crosses to sit, entirely uninvited. "What are you doing here?" Sue demands, uncharacteristically flustered by Carol Burnett's apparently unexpected presence. "Good news, Suze!" Carol Burnett smiles. "We finally caught the last Nazi!" As you'll no doubt recall, both of Sue's parents were famous Nazi hunters, but now that job's evidently come to a close. "For two and a half years," Carol Burnett reveals, "we've been hot on the trail of Eva Braun's great-nephew, Chad, and you know what? He's been under our noses this whole time, working in Phoenix as a CPA!" "I felt bad taking him out," Carol Burnett chuckles, oblivious to Sue's mighty scowl. "I mean, it's punishment enough to live there -- have you ever been to Phoenix? It's a hellhole." As I couldn't agree with her more if I tried, I'm liking Carol Burnett immensely at the moment.

Sue finally finds her voice, and rather stridently wonders where the hell Carol Burnett's been for the last three years, and has Carol Burnett gone to see the handicapable Sylvester over at the home? Carol Burnett has not, though she has every intention of doing so once she figures out what's going on with Sue's "ridiculous" wedding. "Have you given up on love?" Carol Burnett nags. Not waiting for Sue's answer, Carol Burnett continues, "I mean, when you were little, the other mothers used to tell me that you'd never find anybody, but I said, 'No, no, no, no! She's a perfectly okay child -- she'll grow into her looks!' And you know what? I believe you still might." Ha!

In any event, and long story short, Sue hadn't planned on inviting Carol Burnett to her wedding to herself, but now that Carol Burnett's here, she's welcome to attend. "I know exactly what I'm going to do!" Carol Burnett declares. "You remember when you were a little girl?" she asks. "And you used to ask me to sing to you? And I never had the time, so you'd line up your little dollies, and they'd sing to each other? Appalachian murder ballads?" Sue smiles wistfully at the fond memory. "Well," Carol Burnett announces, "I am going to be there for you this time: I am going to sing at your wedding!" Sue blinks.

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