Girls (And Boys) On Film

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 8 USERS: B+
"We Have A Slight Coppery Odor"

Cut to Santana, sitting on the toilet with her panties around her ankles, digging through God alone knows what kind of gross to retrieve Rachel's discarded EPT. Hee!

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rachel LIES. "You're really not gonna tell me?" Santana prompts. Rachel's chin starts quivering, and tears well up in her eyes, but she still manages to stiffen her spine and protest, "You had no right!" "I'm your friend," Santana counters, adding, "you can trust me -- just tell me what's going on." Poor Rachel visibly crumbles at that -- and I really have to applaud Lea Michele in this scene, because she is selling the hell out of it -- and as she collapses, sobbing, against Santana's shoulder, Santana freaks for exactly one second before pulling Rachel into a hug. "It's gonna be okay," Santana assures her, but you can tell from the look in Santana's eyes that she doesn't believe a single word of it. Why did they wait fifteen episodes to move this character to New York? Huh? This episode absolutely lit up whenever she appeared on screen with Rachel and Kurt. God, the people running this show are morons.

And speaking of morons, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's just now entering The McKinley High Pottery Room, where she finds New Puck waiting fozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Basically, he's summoned her there so they can recreate the pottery scene -- scenes? I have no idea -- from that godawful Ghost movie and oh, my holy Christ, this is SO BORING. It's so boring, in fact, that even Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel has an aneurysm that hurls her into this absurd out-of-body experience where she's more or less making out with both New Finn and New Puck at the same time, even though everybody knows it'd be a hell of a lot more interesting if those two guys got it on on their own, and when it's all finally -- finally! -- over, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorry, but I will never, ever care about bonehead teenagers and their super-scandalous stolen kisses. Now, if she and New Finn had actually fucked each other, New Puck might have something to whine about. Though, you know, it's not like that little punk-ass dumbass owns her goddamned vagina, so all of these dimwits can fuck the hell off right now. Oh, and also: This evening's final commercial break!

Music Room. Mr. Schue enters to announce the winner of "this year's Mash-Off" -- which...okay, didn't know that's what we were doing, here, but whatever -- and it's everyone! "What?" Single-T Tina snarls. "Why do you always do this?" Dreamboat Blaine wails. "This is a shame!" Not-So-Unique scolds as New Finn Hulks out and hurls a chair against a wall. "Why don't you just send Maria Shriver in to give us all hugs?" Kitty acidly remarks. "In reality, what you're saying is we're all losers!" Sugar Motta pouts. "Why did we bother having a competition in the first place?" New Finn demands. Alas, New Finn never does get an appropriate response, as Mr. Schue takes this opportunity to call Bloaty The Gravy Clown out into the hall for a private chat.

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