...The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High, where Frankenteen and Artie have lured Miss Pillsbury's bizarre parents for a sit-down chat under false pretenses. The boys, you see, have donned red wigs, and are claiming to represent McKinley's "Stop Ginger Bullying Club" -- supposedly founded of course by Miss Pillsbury herself -- and they're "leaderless," and they're "hemorrhaging money," and could Ralph Malph and Mrs. Malph please find it in their hearts to let Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Artie know where their daughter is? "You two don't smell like gingers," Ralph Malph frowns. Frankenteen's all, "Huh?" so Ralph Malph explains, "Gingers smell like pennies -- we have a slight coppery odor." "It's true," Mrs. Malph agrees, adding, "When Rusty's away on one of his business trips to Ecuador and I'm really missing him? Sometimes I shove my face in a bowl full of loose change and inhale really deeply, and it's like he's sitting right next to me." And as all of that is so utterly revolting in ways I can't even begin to describe, I'll keep this moving, okay? Wonderful.
So, long story short, after a little more chatter -- some of it involving this show's fucked-up idea of college admissions schedules -- Ralph Malph and Mrs. Malph agree to write down their daughter's current address. By the way, Ralph Malph's a leftie. Which makes sense, I suppose, given the Satanic shade of his hair.
Bushwick. The four snowed-in residents of The Improbably Bohemian Loft talk amongst themselves for a bit until Santana steers the conversation back to Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend, which naturally drives Old Idiot Rachel insane, so she calls the gentleman in question up on her product-placed iPhone to prove to those assembled that he is not, in fact, a drug dealer. Unfortunately for her, the too-sketchy and too-hasty conversation she proceeds to have with her beloved only serves to reinforce Santana's misguided beliefs, so consider that a fail on The Horrible Hooker's part.
McKinley High Music Room. "I hope they mash up 'Batdance' with 'Howard The Duck'!" Sugar Motta squeals, and having already seen what The Glee Guys actually proceed to perform, I must admit I am desperately sorry they didn't follow Sugar's sage advice.
Led by Dreamboat Blaine and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, the boys take to the risers to offer us their versions of "Danger Zone" from Top Gun and "Old Time Rock And Roll" from Risky Business, and the only thing this wretched mess has going for it is Jacob Artist's thighs. Thank God he finally turned twenty, because I was getting sick of perving on a goddamned teenager. And once The Glee Guys have finished assaulting our ears with their extremely ill-advised tribute to Tom Cruise, we whip through this evening's next commercial break to land in...