Cut to Hateful New Quinn's barely believable slumber party, already in progress. After Hateful New Quinn shows Boring New Rachel her first-place trophy for "Most Tongues Spoken At Bible Camp," Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina, Brit-Brit, and Urethra Franklin enter with all sorts of delicious and fattening goodies for a veritable slumber party feast. When Boring New Rachel plaintively asks for something healthier to nosh upon (Brittany: "You can eat Kleenex. They taste like clouds."), Hateful New Quinn drags her into the bathroom for a quick private lecture regarding the many glorious benefits of teenaged bulimia. Because she is a fucking moron, Boring New Rachel remains in the can to obediently shove her fingers down her throat while Hateful New Quinn floats back into her bedroom to slap a tatty brunette wig on her head, the better to lead the others in a rousing cover of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee," and I'm sorry, but Stockard Channing did it better back in 1978. Even though Stockard Channing was fifty-seven years old at the time.
Now, I noticed that some people on the forum boards complained that it makes no sense for Hateful New Quinn to trash Boring New Rachel for being "lousy with virginity" when she herself is head of this year's Abstinence Club, and yeah, that does make no sense if you see this performance as some sort of fantasy sequence that's taking place in Hateful New Quinn's head. I'm thinking it's more straightforward than that, though, with Hateful New Quinn simply leading her new best friends in a playful karaoke slumber party romp that has the extra added bonus of insulting Boring New Rachel at the same time. And as the number itself is little more than yet another near shot-by-shot restaging of the movie's superior version, that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Oh, except for the fact that I shouted out, "SAY SOMETHING STUPID!" right as Boring New Rachel emerged from the bathroom to ask, "Are you making fun of me, Kitty?" because you can take the boy out of Sidetrack, but you can't take Sidetrack out of the boy.
Lair Of The Maharishi, the following morning. Frankenteen lurches in to find Figgins already waiting for him with a glum-looking Urethra and her parents, "Rob and Betty Adams," who are there to pull Not-So-Unique out of the musical. It's not that they're bigoted and wholly unsupportive trolls, mind you -- in fact, they've been completely on Not-So-Unique's side her entire life, even back when she insisted on going as Shirley Hemphill for Halloween when she was five. Rather, they're afraid Urethra will become even more of a target for McKinley's Neanderthals than she already is should she star as Rizzo as planned. The miraculously-appearing Coach Sylvester agrees, and with that, Not-So-Unique's been cut from the play. "I can't believe you would do something like this!" Bloaty The Gravy Clown hisses once Urethra and her parents have left the room. "You mean do something like conveniently protect the welfare of a student so that it just happens to derail the school musical?" Sue coolly and magnificently replies. "I think that sounds exactly like something I'd do," she continues, happily adding for emphasis, "Classic Sue Sylvester!" "If you don't have a Rizzo," Sue concludes triumphantly, "you don't have a show."