Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
This Episode's Real Title Is Too Stupid For Words

And then they fuck everything up by jumping to a scene wherein Single-T Tina and Gaylord Wiener yammer at each other about their mind-numbingly dreary relationship issues for about three thousand years. Thanks for nothing, Glee.

Elsewhere, New Finn gets what appears to be his first look at Boring New Idiot Rachel in her Slut Sandy Naughty Black Hot Pants 'N' Heels -- which: What? They had no dress rehearsals, ever? -- and he is justifiably agog, because she looks pretty goddamn good. Not as good as he does, but pretty goddamned good nevertheless. Boring New Idiot Rachel's another one who should be volumizing her hair on the regular from now on. And she should burn all of those fucking twee newsboy caps while she's at it. Hateful things. And speaking of hateful things, here comes Hateful New Quinn to babble something unimportant about a tertiary character we've yet to meet, and then, after yet another last-minute pep talk from New Finn -- this one accompanied by a big sloppy wet one that somehow manages to elicit the ire of New Puck -- the children of The New New Directions...

...take the stage for this evening's grand finale, which is of course "You're The One That I Want." It starts out as a standard cover version and continues in that ponderous, shot-by-shot way until about midway through, when the camera spins around to take a sudden dive into Idiot Rachel's face out there in the audience, and here's where the acid kicks in: The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway evidently recasts the entire finale in her head with members of The Old New Directions and, after a brief flashback to the very first episode, The Old New Directions finish things up with The Horrible Hooker and Bloaty The Gravy Clown taking over the leads from their younger counterparts while Brit-Brit, Santana, St. Gay, Dreamboat Blaine, Single-T Tina, Gaylord Wiener, Mercedes, and Artie pair off appropriately in the background to provide backup, even though I don't think Artie and Mercedes ever got it on with each other. Not that I care. I'm just saying that Miss Rachel's memory of prior seasons' events might be a little different from ours. Also -- and much as I am loath to admit this -- Old Finn And Rachel sound way better on this song than New Finn And Rachel do. Dammit.

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