Glee, Actually

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 1 USERS: A+
Batshit, Actually

Area Formerly Known As The Music Room. While various Cheerios perfect various routines on the floor and risers behind her, Coach Sylvester gazes ruefully at her magnificent holiday tree -- it's a 7000-year-old bristlecone pine she chopped down with her own two hands, don't you know -- and decides to sell it to a gentleman of her acquaintance with "contacts in the luxury toothpick market" so she might donate the proceeds to "a very important cause."

Cut to Chez Rose, Christmas morning. As Sweet Sue and her little holiday elf Becky peer entirely unnoticed through the living room windows, Mama Rose and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel awake to discover a fully-decorated tree with dozens of presents set up in their parlor. Best of all, there's eight hundred dollars in cash tucked away in one of the ornaments, which sends Mama Rose into paroxysms of joy, mainly because she still doesn't know her moron of a daughter is sitting on a goddamned $25,000 watch. And as Mama Rose hugs her stupid boring idiot moron of a daughter close to her ample bosom, we head into what I sincerely hope is the final commercial break of the evening.

BreadstiX, Christmas evening. The Puckermoms continue to bond over their mutual loathing of Evil Michael Mancini while The Puckersons chit-chat with each other over at the bar, and the upshot of it all is that Old Puck's decided to move back to Lima. Hooray!

Meanwhile, over at another table, Coach Beiste has just informed Brittany and Lady Lips that they're not really married, much to the latter's visible dismay and/or relief. It's hard to tell with those two. "The Mayans were wiped out five hundred years ago by the conquistadores and smallpox," Coach Beiste patiently explains. "There are no Mayan church websites." Coach Beiste then admits that when she heard Brit-Brit and Lady Lips got engaged, she realized the last thing anyone needed was another pair of teenaged idiots vowing to be with each other until the end of time on this show, so she faked the ceremony to save us from their own worst instincts. God love you, Coach Beiste. And your sassy new 'do.

Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, there's a bit of business involving the Boston Celtics and an issue of Vogue magazine, and then Dreamboat Blaine announces he's thinking of applying to Fake Drama School In New York, and really? They're going to be stupid about college application deadlines AGAIN? After we screamed and yelled about how fucked it all was last year? GOD, I hate this show.

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