Glee, Actually

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 1 USERS: A+
Batshit, Actually

Anyway, as The Leprechaun guides It's A Wonderful Artie down the hall, he exposits that Real-World Artie's wish has been granted, so there was never any crippling car accident, and there was never any dumb wheelchair, and you can see where this is going, right? Excellent. The first person they meet is Becky, here playing the original movie's Violet Bick, if the original movie's Violet Bick had been a massively knocked-up cheerleader with Pippi Longstocking hair during the original movie's fantasy sequence. "Merry Christmas, stud!" Violet Bicky leers in It's A Wonderful Artie's direction. "Wanna fool around?" she offers, helpfully reminding him, "I can't get pregnant!" It's A Wonderful Artie finds this proposition distasteful in the extreme and, after he's waved Violet Bicky on her way, he turns to The Leprechaun for an explanation. "Becky's the school slut now," The Leprechaun sadly states. "Because I didn't take her on a ridiculously contrived date that one time?" It's A Wonderful Artie more-or-less gasps by way of response. "Yep!" The Leprechaun more-or-less confirms, and with that, they meander a little further down the hallway to find...

...Old Finn, New Finn, Gaylord Wiener, Old Puck and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen slamming the ever-suffering St. Gay Of Lima into a set of lockers. "Didn't we already cover this crap three years ago?" It's A Wonderful Artie demands. Or maybe that was me, and It's A Wonderful Artie instead blurts something about Little Steffi Germanotta that I'm going to ignore until Old Finn, New Finn, Gaylord Wiener, Old Puck and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen threaten him with similarly abusive behavior while vanishing down the hall. Once they're gone, St. Gay Of Lima bemoans The Boollying that prevented him from graduating on time until It's A Wonderful Artie bails on St. Gay's repetitive downer of an ass to demand help from Mr. Schue. One problem: Mr. Schue's blotto, for his failure to relaunch The Glee Club all those many years ago has driven him to drink. Atta boy.

Just then, Terri Schuester bursts into the Spanish room with a baby pressed against her bosom to blast her husband with death rays from her absolutely insane eyes and shout, "I need your paycheck before you blow it all on booze and flannel shirts!" "Sheets 'N' Things is having a big Christmas sale," she whines, "and we desperately need an air purifier for our moldy garbage-heap of an apartment!" "That's a doll!" It's A Wonderful Artie realizes, leading Crazy Terri to clutch the fake baby tighter to her chest while hissing, "Shhhh! He's so drunk, he doesn't know the difference!" Crazy Terri then proceeds to hit on It's A Wonderful Artie, because of course, so It's A Wonderful Artie artfully changes the subject to inquire as to Miss Pillsbury's current whereabouts, and it turns out she's moved to Hawaii with "her husband, Coach Tanaka." "It's a match made in heaven," Crazy Terri breathlessly insists before shooting a sharp-edged, "Right, honey?" at her inebriated lout of a spouse. Mr. Schue blearily agrees while handing over his meager earnings, and as It's A Wonderful Artie beats a hasty retreat from this madness, Crazy Terri nuzzles her imitation infant, and wow: This show made a massive mistake when it wrote out Jessalyn Gilsig, because she is freaking fantastic. Hee!

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