Glee, Actually

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 1 USERS: A+
Batshit, Actually

It's A Wonderful Artie next blunders into the school library, where he quite naturally runs into Old Idiot Rachel, who's been here assigned Donna Reed's role from the movie, and their interaction goes just the way it did in the original, right down to Old Idiot Rachel dropping into a dead faint when It's A Wonderful Artie gets all frantic and shouty, and then we somehow end up in...

...the auditorium, where The Leprechaun explains that everything's messed up because Real-World Artie and his squishy legs were "the glue of Glee," and I'm just gonna let that bold and blatantly incorrect assertion stand unchallenged because the recap of this sequence is already about a thousand words too long, and I haven't even hit Quinn's Fucking Wheelchair yet. Yeesh. ANY-way, and long story short: According to The Leprechaun, a Glee Club without Artie was doomed to fail before it ever really blah, blah, yada, so It's A Wonderful Artie decides to fix things now.

Cut to the music room, which has been recast as "Coach Sue's Craft Room," with various members of both The Old and The New New Directions slaving away over row upon row of sewing machines. It's A Wonderful Artie delivers an inspirational speech about The Power Of Song, or some such bullshit, which he follows with a forgettable performance of "Feliz Navidad," and when it's all over, Oafish Jock Asshole Old Finn states, "That was so gay!" Indeed it was, Oafish Jock Asshole Old Finn, though I think you and I mean different things, here.

Thoroughly disheartened, It's A Wonderful Artie slouches out of Coach Sue's Sweatshop to find an empty yet artfully-lit wheelchair loitering at the far end of the hall. "Is that mine?" It's A Wonderful Artie whispers. "No," the suddenly-appearing Leprechaun replies. "It's Quinn's." You see, because Old Quinn "texts and drives in every timeline" -- which is hilarious for reasons I'm at a loss to explain -- she still ended up maimed even though there was no idiotic teenage wedding to attend, only in this timeline, she eventually succumbed to her injuries. It's A Wonderful Artie frowns, crosses to Quinn's Fucking Wheelchair to remove the single white rose that's appeared on its seat, and selflessly plants himself firmly within the chair's tight confines to...

...bolt himself awake in the real world! Wow, what a relief. I mean, Jesus -- that sequence was starting to drag, wasn't it? In any event, Artie glances around to find faithful Frankenteen still there with him in the nurse's office, and Bloaty The Gravy Clown eagerly hops to it when Artie asks for assistance getting back in his chair. Frankenteen offers a few words of friendly commiseration, to which the freshly serene Artie replies, "For better or worse, this chair is part of me -- it's made me who I am." And with that, Artie taps a suspiciously handy bell on the nurse's Christmas tree, because every time a bell rings, Glee drops another point in the demo. Or something like that.

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