Glee, Actually

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 1 USERS: A+
Batshit, Actually

After the commercial break, we return to find Old Idiot Rachel tossing a few of her delicate underthings into a bag over in her capacious and improbable bohemian loft, all the while babbling, "Well, if you're not gonna come to Lima, then my dads insist you come with us to the Rosie O'Donnell Gay Holiday Cruise -- it's gonna be so much fun! There's even gonna be a Jesse Tyler Ferguson lookalike contest!" I'll give that one a pass, hon, but thanks for asking. And could you do me a favor? Yeah, go ahead and slap yourself repeatedly in the face for wearing a skort in the middle of winter. Actually, you can go ahead and slap yourself repeatedly in the face for wearing a skort, period, okay?

The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway ignores me, likely because The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway wasn't talking to me in the first place. No, she was actually addressing her remarks to the ever-suffering St. Gay Of Lima, who's decided to spend Christmas alone in New York City for some martyrlicious and self-dramatizing reason, I'm sure. St. Gay, by the way, is once again sporting several thousand dollars' worth of clothing from Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood, which I can only assume he stole from Mode before he quit. And before I get a chance to linger too long on that, a mysterious certain someone comes a-rapping at the apartment's door, and it's... Congressman Burt Hummel! Bearing heaps of Christmas cheer! And a tree! And an unfortunately timed cancer diagnosis! And whoops! SPOILER!

Needless to say, both St. Gay Of Lima and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway are delighted to welcome Congressman Hummel into their humble abode, and moments later, the three of them are setting up Burt's tree in an appropriately picturesque corner of the improbable loft. Congressman Hummel then shares a touching story regarding St. Gay's dead mother that I'll not be bothering to transcribe, mainly because it exists simply as a device to get the massively self-absorbed St. Gay to finally -- finally -- notice the open box of Hummel family heirloom ornaments that's been sitting right in front of his goddamned face for what has to have been the last half hour at least, and after everyone waxes appropriately nostalgic for a moment or two, Old Idiot Rachel rises to dash off to her gay cruise with her gay dads. Before she leaves, though, she must first open the present Congressman Hummel now offers her, and it's a glittery apple ornament to mark the kids' first holiday season in New York together. Awwwwwww.

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