Glee, Actually

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 1 USERS: A+
Batshit, Actually

Sometime later, Kurt and Burt stroll up Sixth Avenue, having just attended this year's Christmas Spectacular in Radio City Music Hall, and they eventually retire to an awfully familiar-looking diner for some hot cocoa and bad news: Congressman Hummel has prostate cancer. Burt hastens to add, though, that the disease was caught early, and that "the cure rate's nearly a hundred percent." Which means there's absolutely a hundred percent chance Burt'll wind up at death's door just in time for Sweeps. Consider yourselves forewarned.

In any event, the ever-suffering St. Gay Of Lima absorbs this news stoically, by which I mean he starts shrieking dramatically right there in the middle of the diner until he's overcome by regret and tears, and once we're done with that, we head back over to...

...Bushwick, where Die Hummelmänner have decided to spend the rest of Christmas Eve listening to smooth jazz. In keeping with long-established Hummel family tradition, they also exchange one gift each. Burt dips his hand into the bag offered by his son and finds a baseball cap and t-shirt emblazoned with Fake Drama School In New York's logo. Which is awfully fucking cheap of St. Gay, don't you think? I mean, if he can steal several thousand dollars' worth of clothes for himself from his former place of employment, you'd think he'd be able to swipe something appropriate for his dying father, too. Ungrateful little shit.

ANY-way, Congressman Hummel's gift for his son is a crumpled-up piece of loose-leaf, so maybe crappy gifts are a Hummel family tradition? Oh, sorry! Sorry -- my bad. Burt's real present is actually "too big to put under the tree," so he's jotted down some helpful coordinates on that crumpled-up piece of loose-leaf. "You can pick it up at that address," Congressman Hummel notes, adding with a too-casual shrug of the shoulders, "And, you know, if you don't like it, you can return it." Intrigued, St. Gay Of Lima races for...

...the nearest subway station because his goddamned gift is waiting for him all the hell the way over at the ice rink in Bryant Park, for Christ's sake, which is at least an hour away from the improbable loft. Thanks for nothing, Burt.

All is forgiven, though -- at least as far as I'm concerned -- when Dreamboat Blaine skates over to the side of the rink with a filthy-sounding "Package for Kurt Hummel!" and a merry smile on his face. Naturally, awkwardness ensues between the two ex-boyfriends for a minute or two, but eventually, Dreamboat Blaine coaxes St. Gay Of Lima onto the ice so they might indulge in their own long-standing holiday tradition by singing "White Christmas" together. And the subsequent duet is not very good, mainly because someone made the extremely regrettable decision to have Chris Colfer perform his entire part in falsetto, which: No, and never again, so I'll be skipping ahead to the bit where they come off the ice just in time to listen as the Midtown bells chime midnight. And as they hug and assure each other they'll always be friends, or whatever, a sneaky Congressman Hummel tippy-toes up behind them to smile benevolently in the background right before we head into this evening's next commercial break.

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