Goddamn. This episode feels like it's been airing for the last five frigging years already.
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Once again, we've backtracked on the timeline for reasons which shall soon become apparent. Brittany, sporting a jaunty little Santa hat and toting a large sack full of presents, rounds the far corner and bounces on up to Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel. "Hi, Marley!" Brit-Brit beams, pushing a present into Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's clammy mitts. "Here's a Rolex -- Merry Christmas!" Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel gapes. Shut up, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel. By the way, the Rolex website discreetly declines to quote prices for its products -- the sordid topic of coin, and all that -- but the timepiece Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's now holding in her dumb little hands is worth at least $25,000. Keep that in mind when we hit this evening's next segment.
Anywho, the chipper Brit-Brit next accosts New Finn, presenting him with "a three-week vacation to Saint-Tropez" before breezing further down the hall to give Single-T Tina the keys to a 2013 Toyota Camry. "What are you doing?" Single-T Tina squints, and here we go: "Well," Brit-Brit explains, "last week I decided to watch a documentary about The Mayan Apocalypse, which arrives on December 21st, 2012, so I decided to cash in all my savings so my friends and I can enjoy what's left of our lives to the fullest!" Makes sense to me.
It also makes sense to Brittany's newest paramour, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, who excitedly drags Brit-Brit into a nearby vacant classroom to present her with the following facts: "Two thousand twelve is the year that Kim Il-sung, founder of North Korea, would have turned a hundred. Divide a hundred by ten -- the percentage of Americans that think the world will end on the 21st of December -- and you get ten: Mexico's rank in the world as a tourist destination -- whose president expects The Mayan Apocalypse to attract fifty-two million people to his country!" "It's all right there!" Lady Lips insists, adding, "All anyone has to do is look at the numbers!" Consider Brittany's mind officially blown, y'all. "I'm terrified," she breathes. Lady Lips admits to just a tiny hint of fear himself, but points out that they must "purify" themselves before the next baktun begins. "We need to tell everyone we know how we really feel about them," dear little Brit-Brit quite earnestly decides. And so, the bleach-blond Wonder Twins zip up to...