Okay, I'm definitely overstating things, here, because this number is boring as hell. It doesn't help that they've hacked off the far superior second half of the song -- you know, the part where Lola sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind -- but it also doesn't help that this is just another barely-choreographed, hop-around-the-music-room waste of my time. If any of the performances tonight demanded the sort of full-blown, camp extravaganza fantasy sequences this show used to be known for, it's this one. And yet, this is all we get. Most disappointing, indeed, Glee. Rest assured, I shall pen a strongly-written letter detailing my keen dissatisfaction to the head of 20th Century Fox Television as soon as I actually care.
In any event, once it's over, everybody else admits they love Barry Manilow, too, and the children shower Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen with applause and affection. Yawn.
April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Brit-Brit, Pretty Kitty, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, and Not-So-Unique have gathered to rehearse their promised Spice Girls number, but The Glee Gals find they have a bit of trouble with the casting. "I don't think you should be Scary Spice just because you're black," Brittany tells "Mercedes." "I think that it's really racist that the scary spice is the only black one," she adds by way of explanation. Not-So-Unique would give Brit-Brit a piece of her mind, I'm sure, were it not for Pretty Kitty announcing, "Marley should be Posh Spice because you're so skinny, and you make everyone uncomfortable." Heh. Kitty and Brittany eventually claim Ginger and Sporty for themselves, respectively, leaving Urethra Franklin with Baby Spice, of course, but all of these concerns get knocked to the side the instant Single-T Tina arrives with some dire news. "You will not believe what just happened!" Tina pants, practically breathless. "It's so horrible," she darkly adds, "I'm not even sure I can repeat it!"
Smash to The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High, where Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel rounds one of the corners in the highest of dudgeon to stomp her way over to New Puck at his locker. "Tell me you're not planning to sing a Chris Brown song!" she shouts. Dun-dun-DUN! Also: Commercial break!
McKinley High Library. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen enters to find Dreamboat Blaine reading something called Goosebumps: Phantom Of The Auditorium, but that's not really important at the moment because what is really important at the moment is this: Lady Lips claims Dreamboat Blaine is still holding on to one last deep, dark, bitter secret, and he all but demands that Dreamboat Blaine confess said deep, dark, bitter secret in front of everyone immediately, or else. Dreamboat Blaine pouts.