BAM! Santana Lopez slams Quinn's locker shut in her face and seethes, "Keep your paws off my man! Clear?" Quinn plays dumb, an act she really should avoid, because Brittney's so much better at it. "Who's your man?" Quinn icily inquires. "Don't play stupid, Tubbers," Santana Lopez snottily pisses, apparently agreeing with my point above. "And for the record?" she continues with much waving of her hands. "Asking someone to babysit with you is super '90s." Quinn, her confidence faltering, nevertheless counters, "I happen to know that Puck cares about me." "Well, wake up!" Santana Lopez sneers, getting all up in Quinn's face. "While you two were babysitting, Puck and I were sexting!" There follows an entirely unnecessary definition of "sexting" for the especially slow in the audience before Santana Lopez challenges Quinn to check Puck's cell for her "super-hot texts" if Quinn doesn't believe her, as Santana Lopez's sexts are "too hot to erase." And with that, she flounces off down the hall. Bitch. And God love her for it.
BAM! Oh, sorry. Thought they were going with The Rule Of Threes, there, but they're not. That should actually read "COMMERCIAL!"
Music Room. It's time for the scrimmage between McKinley High and The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf and for some reason, I'm certain the experience will be excruciating for everyone involved. Well, for everyone involved who happens also to be in the audience, at least. Mr. Schuester introduces "The New Directions" to their guests with Dalton Rumba translating for the benefit of his charges, and they're off! Like, really, really off. The hair-heavy number they perform for the vaguely disgusted ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf is actually a mash-up of "Hair" and Beyoncé's "Crazy In Love," and while it's nice to see Artie and Mercedes trading off on the leads again, the song...well, let's face it: The song sucks. And Will seems to realize it, go figure. Dumbass. The vaguely disgusted yet proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf, barely suppressing their hearty rounds of eye-rolls, politely applaud when it's over, but Rachel knows they sucked, and she immediately bounds over to Mr. Schue to inform him of same. Mr. Schue attempts to bluff his way through something reassuring-sounding, but he fails, and Rachel slumps into the audience seating with the rest of her compatriots as the proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf take their places on the risers, and oh, shit. Why do I get stuck with all of the Very Special Episodes? Didn't I suffer enough on Charmed, for Christ's sake? Ugh. In any event, the proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf are dressed in matching crimson-and-grey private academy uniforms, which I mention only because I'm desperate to delay the start of their mawkish rendition of John Lennon's inexcusably maudlin "Imagine," and as Dalton Rumba strikes the opening chords on the piano and, like, nods at them from somewhere off-camera to give them their cue, I guess, The Proper Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf...oh, I hate this. Their lead singer is actually speaking the lyrics slowly to match the tempo while his fellows sign along behind him, and it's making those already awful lyrics even more obnoxious and annoying to listen to, if that's even possible. Shut up, hippies. And of course, because this is A Very Special Episode, the McKinley kids -- led by Mercedes and Artie -- one by one rise from their seats to join The Proper Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf in the performance space, with the hearing kids singing while the not-hearing kids teach them the sign language appropriate to those awful, obnoxious, annoying, insipid lyrics, and Mr. Schue and Tinkles are over there in their corner misting up, and why doesn't some asshole just buy the fucking world a fucking Coke already and be done with it? Shut UP, HIPPIES.