Glee

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I Don't Think You Ready For This Jelly
ver, but Rachel knows they sucked, and she immediately bounds over to Mr. Schue to inform him of same. Mr. Schue attempts to bluff his way through something reassuring-sounding, but he fails, and Rachel slumps into the audience seating with the rest of her compatriots as the proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf take their places on the risers, and oh, shit. Why do I get stuck with all of the Very Special Episodes? Didn't I suffer enough on Charmed, for Christ's sake? Ugh. In any event, the proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf are dressed in matching crimson-and-grey private academy uniforms, which I mention only because I'm desperate to delay the start of their mawkish rendition of John Lennon's inexcusably maudlin "Imagine," and as Dalton Rumba strikes the opening chords on the piano and, like, nods at them from somewhere off-camera to give them their cue, I guess, The Proper Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf...oh, I hate this. Their lead singer is actually speaking the lyrics slowly to match the tempo while his fellows sign along behind him, and it's making those already awful lyrics even more obnoxious and annoying to listen to, if that's even possible. Shut up, hippies. And of course, because this is A Very Special Episode, the McKinley kids -- led by Mercedes and Artie -- one by one rise from their seats to join The Proper Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf in the performance space, with the hearing kids singing while the not-hearing kids teach them the sign language appropriate to those awful, obnoxious, annoying, insipid lyrics, and Mr. Schue and Tinkles are over there in their corner misting up, and why doesn't some asshole just buy the fucking world a fucking Coke already and be done with it? Shut UP, HIPPIES.

BAM! Ah-HA! I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Quinn more or less slams Puck's locker shut in his face the next day at school and seethes, "You lied to me!" She's referring, of course, to the supposed texting he was enjoying with Gaylord Weiner or Butt Lunch or whomever during their Friday-night babysitting date, when a quick glance at his cell phone's inbox confirms he was actually sexting with my special TV girlfriend, Santana Lopez. Puck plays dumb, an act he really should avoid, because Brittney's so much better at it, but he eventually drops the act to apologize, after his own fashion. "I'm sorry!" he insists. "I tried to resist Santana -- I did! -- but I'm young, and girls have this...power over me!" Quinn, momentarily stung, pinches her prissy lips together in an attempt to collect herself while Puck continues, "But hey, it's all good." "It's definitely not 'all good'!" Quinn rants, getting all up in Puck's face. "I thought you wanted to be with me!" "I do -- like, a lot!" Puck assures her. "But," he adds, "you haven't given it up to me since the night I knocked you up, and baby, I'm a dude. I have needs." And there are many, many people who would happily help him meet those needs -- and you all know who you are -- but inappropriate audience-wide lust for a supposedly underage fictional character is not the point of this scene, and so I will hop off that train of thought as quickly as I'd jumped onto it in favor of noting Quinn's reply. "You expect to raise a baby with me," she immediately counters, "and text dirty messages to every other girl at this school if I don't 'give it up' to you every day?" "No!" Puck sniffs, disgusted by her implication. "Just the hot girls!" Atta boy. "Look, I'm gonna be a good dad," he assures her, "but I'm not gonna stop being me to do it." And with that, he flounces off down the hall. Well, he would flounce off down the hall, I'm sure, were he the flouncing type. And had they not immediately cut to...

...Chez Schue, where Quinn's telling a stunned-looking Terri, "You can have her." "Are you serious?" Terri gasps. "A girl really needs a good father," Quinn sadly replies, "and the only way she's gonna get that is if I give her to you." "You think Mr. Schue's going to be a good father, don't you?" she asks, and Terri gets all misty-eyed and such before answering, "I think he's gonna be an amazing dad." Just then, of course, Will arrives unexpectedly from the scrap yard, where he'd supposed to have spent the entire afternoon, and while he's mildly surprised to find Quinn chatting with his wife on the sofa, he brushes it off to ask Terri for a moment alone in the garage whenever she gets a chance. Quinn immediately rises to make her excuses, but before she leaves, she quite unexpectedly lunges into Mr. Schue's chest for a hug, and when it's over, she mumbles, "Later, Mr. Schue," and bolts out the door. Will gawps at Terri for a moment, but she apparently smooths things over, for the next thing we know, Will's...

...leading a blindfolded Terri into their apartment complex's garage, where he presents her with...a crapped-out 1980s-era wood-paneled minivan? Ah, it's his gift to her, for the baby, as you cannot install a car seat in a shitty little crapped-out Corvette. Terri's touched. In the head, of course, but we knew that already. Next!

McKinley High Hallway. Finn and Quinn kiss and make up. Well, actually, they make up first, and then they hug, and then they float off towards their next class on a cloud of bliss that may or may not be boob-related without any kissing at all because...oh, I don't give a shit at this point. Both Rachel and The Fashion-Forward Hitler Youth -- yes, he's wearing Those Boots again -- watch them drift away as a sad -- nay, a veritable lachrymose piano tinkles away in the background, Rachel and Horst Wessel acknowledge each other (and, in doing so, acknowledge each other's pain, of course) before the bell rings, kicking us over to...

...Sue Sylvester's office, where Will ducks his meek yet untrustworthy curls through the door to ask if Sue has a moment. She does, so he enters, and long story short, he passes her a copy of the revised set list. It contains "Proud Mary," a song to be revealed later in this episode, and a song to be revealed even later in this episode, which -- get this -- Sue Sylvester doesn't recognize, even though it's goddamned "True Colors" by Cyndi Frigging Lauper, and ooops! Spoiler! In any event, the goal with this latest song selection after all of the hair-flipping nonsense this wasted episode wasted so much time presenting to us is simplicity, as Will finally understands that the more show-bizzy numbers don't really play to his kids' strengths. Or something like that. Of course, barely an instant passes before Sue's summoned International Recording Star Miss Oddly Accented Wig and Half-Deaf Guy to her lair, where she shows them the set list -- it's "Proud Mary," "Don't Stop Believing," and "True Colors" -- and suggests they divvy up the first two songs between their respective choirs, after which she'll ensure McKinley performs last at Sectionals, thereby giving the appearance that McKinley poached its routines from Jane Addams and Haverbrook, rather than the other way around. International Recording Star Miss Oddly Accented Wig and Half-Deaf Guy initially object strenuously to Sue's proposed strategy, but the scene ends ambiguously, as Sue's ultimate argument -- "Don't let anything distract you from winning!" -- seems to sway them. Um. DUN!? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was a DUN!

And, finally: "True Colors." The number, as promised, has been simply staged, with the kids clad in black Chucks, jeans, and t-shirts in all of the colors of the rainbow while perched ('cept for Artie, of course) on stools spread from one side of the proscenium to the other while a multi-hued LED display drizzles all over a set of screens behind them. Sin

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Glee

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