Everybody else has a grand old time, however, especially after Mr. Schue and Frankenteen break out a festive bottle of nonalcoholic Champagne, which they distribute to the gathered children in -- wait for it -- red Solo cups, and when it's all over, the fabulous Santana Lopez sashays in from the hall to greet her ex-boyfriend like so: "I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth is back in town! I've been keeping a notebook, just in case this day ever came." Here she opens said notebook to read, "Welcome back, Lisa Rinna! I've missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth, and skipped town. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn't find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you've been working as a baby polisher, where young mothers place their infants' heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you're back -- I haven't seen a smile that big since a claymation Abominable Snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana." "I missed you, too," Lady Lips grins, crossing to give her a hug. Awwwwww.

Later, Quinn and Idina Menzel ominously stare each other down in the hall until Quinn bounces over to Lady Lips to suggest they start dating, because he'd make such a good father for Dismal Drizzle. No, seriously, that's her argument. I don't know what Dianna Agron did to piss off Ryan Murphy so much, but it's clear he despises her. Lady Lips lets her down the best way he knows how -- through the judicious use of quotes from John Cougar Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane," of course -- and exits into this evening's first commercial break.

Hall. Single-T Tina and Gaylord Weiner stroll arm-in-arm through their thronging peers, with Tina happily nattering away about Gaylord's applications to Alvin Ailey and NYU -- both actual, honest-to-God performing arts colleges, I should note -- until Gaylord shuts her down, because he's going to Stanford to study pre-med, because his High Expectations Asian Father said so, so nyaaaaaah, and I have a shameful confession to make: I don't give a shit about this subplot, either. Haven't all season, in fact -- I just happened to miss all of the episodes in which it factored up to this point. So, after Tina tries to persuade Gaylord to pursue his dreams, or whatever, and after Gaylord shoots her down in the nastiest manner imaginable, we hop forward in time to...