Hold On To Sixteen

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 3 USERS: A+
"You Smell Like Craigslist."

The final selection from New Directions this evening is "this piece of crap," originally performed by that dead child molester -- pardon me, that dead alleged child molester -- and, really: I've hated Michael Jackson for close to thirty years, now, so whatever with this song. Lead vocals are split amongst Frankenteen, Artie, Puck, Dreamboat Blaine, and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, each of whom looks very, very pretty standing in his own individual cone of white light mid-stage, and things improve considerably when everybody else joins in to turn it into an actual choral number, rather than a series of five disconnected solos, though I'm pretty sure I'm hearing way more than just two female voices, here. Still, though: Haaaaaaaaaaate.

And when it's all all over, High Expectations Asian Father joins the rest of the audience in offering them all a standing ovation, his face positively beaming with paternal pride. Yeah, like we didn't see that one coming. For his part, Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual lets loose with some very loud Woo!s that I'm certain are directed primarily towards Dreamboat Blaine, and as generalized cheering erupts, the various children on the stage hug each other until it's time for them to disappear into this evening's final commercial break.

Music room, immediately post-performance. The children plus Mr. Schue enter, everyone whooping and hollering, and Frankenteen and Dreamboat Blaine congratulate each other on a job well done. High Expectations Asian Father arrives to call an exuberant Gaylord and Tina out into the hall for a private chat, and to absolutely no one's surprise, he gives Gaylord his blessing to pursue a career in dance. One problem: Gaylord's pretty sure he missed the deadlines for his applications. "No, you didn't," Tina reveals. "I sent in your applications just in case. Kinda had to forge your signature, though." All together, now: Awwwwwwwww. You know, if you care about this subplot.

Moments later, we find that the competing choirs have arranged themselves on the stage for the results and, after Western Ohio's Birthday Clown Of The Year unleashes a joke that falls flat, we learn that The Unitards have managed to capture third place. Harmony's way stoked, and she leaps forward to snatch up her team's trophy. As she makes her way towards the wings, St. Gay Of Lima stops her to offer his congratulations, and she gifts him with the following wild-eyed, monomaniacal response: "Just think! I'm only a sophomore, and I'm already this good! Next year's gonna be a bloodbath!" Dreamboat Blaine leans over to yank an antically mugging St. Gay back into formation for the final presentation and, after several lengthy moments of high suspense, Western Ohio's Birthday Clown Of The Year awards the second-place trophy to The Troubletones. The children of New Directions leap about in ecstasies of joy -- well, except for Artie, of course -- while the normally fun-loving gals of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir wail and moan and gnash their teeth in disappointment. More or less.

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