Hold On To Sixteen

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 3 USERS: A+
"You Smell Like Craigslist."

Music Room. Frankenteen and Mr. Schue are of course nattering away at each other about this evening's impending Sectionals performances, and it might be of interest to some to know that Sectionals will be held in the McKinley High auditorium for the first time since 1963. Also of course: New Directions has yet to select a song list, even though the competition is happening, like, tomorrow night. Frankenteen opines that they should concentrate on their "performer problem" first, and as I believe the kiddies are still several warm bodies short of the even dozen required by the competition playbook, I must admit that Finn has a point, here. "We need star power!" Finn tells Mr. Schue. "We need Sam Evans!" Wait a minute -- who? Oh, yeah, that's right: Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen. I was under the impression that Chime Overavenue's large-lipped shadow would never again darken the soundstages of this show because of some massive, hissy, Twittered bitchfight he had with Ryan Murphy last summer, but apparently, the two of them kissed and made up at some point over the last four or five months, and he's back. Although not without complications, naturally, lest the first fifteen minutes of tonight's presentation run without a plot. Long story short, Mr. Schue reminds Frankenteen that Lady Lips and his family blew town during the last hiatus, and claims that no one knows where he is. Frankenteen reminds Mr. Schue that "even homeless people have Facebook," and reveals that Clan Von Bieberhausen has settled in the rugged wilds of the Kentucky-side suburbs of Cincinnati. Since that's only about four hours away from Lima, Finn's gonna motor on down there and see what he can do to draw Lady Lips back into the fold. And with that, Frankenteen lurches on out of there to get going, leaving Mr. Schue alone to look incredibly puzzled by this peculiar development. Or maybe that's just Matthew Morrison wondering what the hell happened to his career.

The Lima Bean. St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine sit at one of the tables so the supremely annoying St. Gay might morosely complete an application for employment, because he's convinced his loss in last week's elections means he'd better "get used to a life of barista work and summer stock." And as my lovely and talented co-recapper LTG already pointed out the many, many ways in which St. Gay is full of shit regarding his stellar extracurricular résumé, let's ignore him completely and focus on Dreamboat Blaine instead. "New Directions is a mess!" Dreamboat Blaine eye-rolls. "We're gonna lose," he exasperates, "and I can't do a thing about it -- every time I open my mouth, Finn gives me these looks, like, 'What does he think he's doing?' I know what I'm doing!" And with Dreamboat Blaine's issue for the evening thus so efficiently established, it's time to welcome Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual back to the Glee screen. "Hey, guys!" he opens as he ambles over to their table all teeth and quiff and dimples and whatnot. He invites himself to a seat and proceeds to gush over Dreamboat Blaine's scorching hotness for a bit until he all-too-casually remembers to toss St. Gay's presence a rather limp acknowledgement. Dreamboat Blaine helpfully exposits that The Dalton Academy Swallows won their round of Sectionals earlier in the week, then bolts to fetch himself another cup of coffee, thereby allowing for the following bit of delightful banter between St. Gay and his rapacious rival for Dreamboat Blaine's affections:

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