Hold On To Sixteen

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 3 USERS: A+
"You Smell Like Craigslist."

Idina Menzel's office-slash-rehearsal space. Idina finishes up a call with her babysitter just in time to get both barrels from an icy Psycho Quinn like so: "Puck told me about you two. I'm gonna tell Figgins and get you fired." Idina doesn't even flinch at that -- it's as if she's been expecting this for a very long time -- and instead quietly announces, "I'm ending it." "Not that there's that much 'it' to end," she adds, with an obvious regret. Psycho Quinn begins lighting into her for ruining everybody's lives, or something, but Idina just patiently sits at her piano, and when Psycho Quinn's little tirade has run its course, she smiles and observes, "You're so young, and pretty." "Don't talk down to me!" Quinn seethes. "It goes away, you know," Idina calmly continues, ignoring her. "Not the pretty -- you'll always be pretty -- but the young?" "It happens really slow," Idina notes, "and you don't even notice it, and then one day, everything just feels different." "I can't wait to feel different!" Quinn snarls. "Don't wish away your life," Idina sighs. "You're exactly where you're supposed to be." "I think I thought," she goes on to confide, "that being with an eighteen-year-old would make me feel eighteen again, but mostly, it just made me feel even older." She offers Quinn a rueful, apologetic smile at that, then rises to announce, "I'm going to enjoy my last few hours of being a teacher." "I recommend," she adds, as she crosses to the door, "that you enjoy being up on that stage." "I am sorry, Quinn," Idina concludes before disappearing into the hall, and Psycho Quinn stares into the middle distance, all furious and bitter and wrecked, but we don't have time to deal with any of that because the emcee's just announced The Troubletones. The opening piano riff of Gloria Gaynor's deathless "I Will Survive" hits the soundtrack, and the camera snaps back to...

...the auditorium, where it displays the twelve gals of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir arranged in a straight line across the middle riser, their identical silver lamé animal-print dresses shimmering stilly beneath the stage lights until Santana Lopez offers us all the song's opening line. Mercedes joins her as the song kicks into high disco gear on the next lyric, and when the mash-up proper commences with their compatriots lashing into the chorus from "Survivor" by Destiny's Child, the audience goes bananas. To be honest with you, though, the Adele performance was way better, so I don't know why all those people are yelling. As I learned from the lovely and talented and extremely helpful gang on the forum boards, the choreography is meant to emulate waacking -- well, when the gals aren't lesbionically tangoing with each other, that is -- but the ladies lack precision, and certain gestures that ought to be fiercely synchronous instead end up looking like they're just flapping their arms around randomly in the air. Not to say that the performance isn't enjoyable, because it totally, totally is, but as I indicated above with The Unitards, it seems like they're pulling their punches with The Troubletones during this sequence in order to make New Directions look like the clear winner by the end of this evening's competition.

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