Teachers' lounge. Will bursts into the room and rushes up to the table where Sue is eating. He's just discovered that the auditorium is padlocked. Sue: "Well that's curious. Did you check the sign-up sheet?" What sign-up sheet is that, you ask (as does Will)? Sue: "Why, the one I keep right here in my waist-band, William." Sue pulls out the sign-up sheet and discovers that the Cheerios have booked the auditorium for the entire week to prepare for her big interview. Will threatens to complain to Maharishi Figgins, but Sue tells him not to bother. "Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I'm blackmailing him." Will's reaction to Sue's confession of lawbreaking is... muted, at best.
Music room, end of practice. Will is telling the kids that they won't be able to practice in the auditorium that week. They're upset, because they have to practice for Regionals (which, based on the schedule for Sectionals, are in either two weeks or eight months). Rachel recommends a sit-in. Puck advises arson. Oh, Puck -- you just go stand in the auditorium and I'm sure it'll catch on fire from your hotness. But Will tells them not to do anything. He's going to find someplace away from school that they can practice for the week. "I promise I'll find us a new home." What was that Will? "A new home." Sorry, I didn't catch that last word. "Home." Sorry, say that again? "HOME!" Oh, home. Now I get it. (And now that we've established that this is the secret word of the week, I refuse to use it again in this recap.) The bell rings and the kids all leave. But on the way out, Kurt grabs Finn and asks him to look at his three-foot by three-foot swatch board, because he wants Finn's opinion on his bedroom redecorating ideas. Kurt's goal is "hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air." He thinks Finn will have some useful tips on the "hunting lodge" part. Finn begs off, noting that "there's cowboy wallpaper on the walls" of his bedroom. Kurt just barely manages not to lose his lunch at this revelation. In an attempt to be helpful, Finn randomly points at something on the board and claims it looks nice. Kurt: "Toile? I always pegged you for a chinoiserie type." Finn does not understand a single word Kurt just said, and he walks away silently. Kurt smiles, as though Finn's selection of fabrics has revealed that they are, indeed, soulmates.
Cafeteria. Kurt chastises Mercedes for her lunch selection. She quite rightly tells him that a chicken breast and salad (dressing on the side) is pretty damn healthy. But he thinks that nutritious meals are not the way to lose ten pounds in a week. He's enjoying being part of the in-crowd, and he'll be damned if he'll let his best friend's health jeopardize that. Mercedes walks up to Santana and Brittany and asks them how they stay so thin. They both raise their Cheerios water bottles, HNS-style, and tell her it's the "Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse." Which, according to Sue, (in a flash sideways in which she demonstrates the recipe to Santana, Brittany, and Becky consists of "water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid, paprika to irritate the bowels, and a dash of ipecac, a vomiting agent. I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.") Back in the cafeteria, Brit-Brit tells Mercedes, "sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand." Santana rejects the objection that this recipe sounds horribly unhealthy, telling Mercedes that the can either look great and feel terrible or get kicked off the team. Mercedes walks away from her perfectly healthy lunch while our two lesbo-riffic Cheerios take swigs of their dangerous swill. And then we see Quinn, holding an empty tray and standing in the corner, watching all of this with a look on her face that says, "Why am I standing here holding an empty tray?"