As is this show's wont, tonight's installment blew a metric assload of episode-specific exposition at us within the hour's first 73 seconds, so let me see if I've got all this -- you should pardon the expression -- straight.
Whereas normal high schools have to settle for boring back-to-school shit like Homecoming Court, McKinley apparently treats its children to a Pick The Most Specialest Magical Unicorn contest every fall, and dear little dimwitted Brit-Brit has decided that St. Gay Of Lima is the most specialest magical unicorn of them all. So, she's taken it upon herself to act as his campaign manager and came up with an array of appropriately bedizened candidate posters for her new best friend and hero, but St. Gay Of Lima balks at all the glitter and the rainbows and the Kurt-riding unicorns because he all of a sudden doesn't think people should be defining him by his sexual orientation. Whatever, Mary.
Meanwhile, Carmel High fired Dustin Goolsby from his job as head coach of Vocal Adrenaline because Vocal Adrenaline came in second at Nationals in New York in May, and now nobody wants to take the job at Carmel because of The Pressure, so Mr. Schue decides this means he cannot direct this year's gala musicale production as planned because Vocal Adrenaline now has a big, fat target on its back, so he'd rather focus on winning Nationals and running something called "Booty Camp," which basically amounts to remedial dance lessons for New Directions' differently abled students, and by "differently abled," he of course means Finn and not Artie, because: Duh. Finn suh-huuuucks at the dancing. For whatever reason, Mr. Schue transfers responsibility for this year's gala musicale production to Emma, Coach Beiste, and the aforementioned Artie, so they'll be the ones conducting the auditions.
Also meanwhile, Quinn Fabray and the Skanks have taken to shaking down hapless underclasspersons for their lunch money in the can, so Sue decides to recruit Quinn to star in an anti-arts Sylvester For Congress campaign ad entitled, I believe, "A Day In The Life Of The Girl From Whom the Arts Stole Everything." You know, because of the pink hair and the Seacrest tattoo and the menthols. Quinn agrees, but that's not all! Because also also meanwhile, Al Motta, the fabulously wealthy furniture-mogul father of tone-deaf self-diagnosed Asperger's wench Sugar, flew to New York to recruit Rachel Berry's surrogate mother Idina Menzel to establish a competing McKinley High Glee Club that will feature his obnoxious offspring in all of the leads. So, Idina Menzel moves back to Lima with Quinn's tiny little bastard of a daughter and Drama Ensues.
How does it all shake out? Like this: St. Gay Of Lima decides to butch it up and audition for Tony in this year's gala musicale production of West Side Story, and that little escapade goes about as well as you'd expect it to for someone named "St. Gay Of Lima" who regularly wears clothes like this. Unfortunately, in the process, St. Gay cock-blocks his dreamboat boyfriend, Blaine, from trying for the same role because of The Possible Drama Inherent In Such An Endeavor, so poor Blaine ends the evening all spluttery and forlorn when Artie, Emma, and Beiste insist he read for the lead. Good thing St. Gay Of Lima finally learned How Very Important It Is To Accept Yourself For Who You Are, though, because otherwise, I guess this Big Gay Subplot would have sucked my Big Gay Ass. Alas, we still don't know if everyone else in school thinks he's the most specialest magical unicorn of them all, so I guess we'll have to wait until next week for resolution on that one.
Meanwhile, all of the other subplots failed to hang together for more than thirty seconds after they were introduced. Somehow, Rachel and her freshly returned surrogate mother bonded over Bernstein, Quinn decided to turn her life around in order to regain custody of that tiny little bastard of a daughter of hers, Sue's up nine points in the polls over her probable opponent in the general election, and FINN STILL SUCKS WITH THE DANCING.
Featuring a gross easy-listening version of "Somewhere" from West Side Story, performed somewhat inappropriately by Rachel and Idina Menzel (and seriously, between this and their "Poker Face" duet, what the hell is going on with those two?); "I'm The Greatest Star" from Funny Girl, deployed as a wholly inappropriate audition piece by St. Gay Of Lima; "Something's Coming," also from West Side Story, deployed as an entirely appropriate audition piece by Dreamboat Blaine; and this song from Franco Zeffirelli's version of Romeo And Juliet, deployed at an appropriate moment of high Shakespearean drama.
Fade up on the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High, where we find St. Gay Of Lima primping and preening and prettifying himself in his locker mirror. Presently, Brit-Brit sidles up to him and opens with, "I really like your outfit." Kurt's eyes widen, for this compliment is apparently unexpected. Brittany, oblivious to Kurt's subtle reaction, barrels on, telling him, "I think you're, like, fabulous, and I just love everything that you do." St. Gay Of Lima thanks her for her kind thoughts, and then Brit-Brit gets down to business: She wants to run his "campaign for president" because to her, Kurt's "the biggest unicorn" in the school. "I'm sorry?" Kurt blinks, so Brittany explains her reasoning like so: "When a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn, and he becomes a unicorn, and then he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he's magical, and then his horn falls off, and black unicorns? They become zebras." As the plots of several of this show's episodes have hung on logic even more batshit than that, I'll just be nodding my head in agreement and going along with it. Long story short, St. Gay Of Lima "went through hell last year" without once forgetting how "special" he is, so he's a magical unicorn who poops out cotton candy and is therefore deserving of a seat on the student council. Furthermore, because Brittany "slept with a lot of people" and is therefore one of the most popular girls in the school, she's pretty sure she can leverage her social standing amongst their peers to score St. Gay some "mega votes" in the election. St. Gay Of Lima mumble-mouths something I eventually interpret as, "Then why don't you just run?" to which dear little Brit-Brit replies, "I'm not smart enough." And with that, we smear sideways to...
...an apparent geology class, whose teacher for whatever reason is asking of her students, "What's the capital of Ohio?" "O!" Brittany confidently shouts out, and even though Brit-Brit is entirely correct, the geology teacher wrinkles her nose and spits, "What? Do you even know who the president is?" "will.i.am," Brittany quite understandably responds, and as her classmates dissolve into a fit of derisive giggles, we smear back to...
...the present, where St. Gay Of Lima allows that he's flattered to be the focus of Brittany's attentions and admits he's sort of excited about the whole thing. Brittany promises to stop by his house that evening so they can work on his campaign posters, and from there, we have nowhere to go at this point in the episode but the title card.