Blockhead Will returns from Washington just in time for Batshit Emma to ditch him at the altar in the middle of their Valentine-themed wedding. Fortunately, her parents already shelled out huge amounts of cash for the reception, so everyone else gets hammered at the open bar, and vast amounts of refreshingly straightforward sex ensue -- specifically, between Old Rachel and Bloaty The Gravy Clown, St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine, Santana Lopez and Quinn, and Artie and Artie's Bitchy Wedding Reception Piece. The fallout from all of this will be gruesome, I'm sure, but bright side? We don't have to deal with it until next month at the earliest.
Once back in New York, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway misses her period and scores what I sincerely hope is a false positive on her EPT. Oh, and Dean Geyer's a whore. Maybe. It's a scandal!
Featuring Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's "You're All I Need To Get By," as performed by New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, with backup provided by Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, New Finn, and Artie; a senselessly shortened yet immensely enjoyable "Getting Married Today" from Company, as performed by Emma, Will, and Mercedes; the habanera from Carmen, which appears as a leitmotif throughout the second half of the episode; "Dance Hall Days" by Wang Chung, as performed by Wang Chung; Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough," as performed by St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine; Haircut 100's "Love Plus One," as performed by Haircut 100; the Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton version of Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight," as performed by The Horrible Hooker of Broadway, Bloaty The Gravy Clown, New Puck, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, St. Gay of Lima, Dreamboat Blaine, Santana Lopez, Quinn, Artie, and Artie's Bitchy Wedding Reception Piece; and Ellie Goulding's "Anything Could Happen," as performed by the children of The New New Directions, with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Artie, New Puck trading off on lead.
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Lima Bean. The coffee shop's looking quite festive with its explosion of pink-and-red heart-themed holiday decor, but alas! The Valentine's Day cheer seems completely lost on Bloaty The Gravy Clown, who's slouched over in one of the comfy-looking armchairs, picking at his fingernails while pouting in the general direction of The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway. She's back in town for this evening's heavily promoted matrimonial extravaganza, of course, though she's flying solo because Dean Geyer got "weirded out about going to a stranger's wedding." Remember that explanation for later. Oh, and by the way: For those of you keeping track of these things at home, Frankenteen's the only major character tonight who's never seen in shades of red -- even his saggy old-man boxers later on are black and blue -- so mad props to the costuming department for that one, I suppose.
Anyway, after some bitchy, passive-aggressive preliminaries, Old Finn admits he shoved his tongue down Miss Pillsbury's throat last week. Quite naturally, The Horrible Hooker is shocked and appalled, and she actually clutches at her nonexistent pearls as she whispers, "Did she kiss you back?" Bloaty The Gravy Clown hastens to note that Miss Pillsbury was "totally freaked out" by the whole thing, a fact that visibly relieves Old Idiot Rachel, and she next delicately wonders if anyone's told Mr. Schuester. Frankenteen's pretty sure Miss Pillsbury's kept the news to herself, but he's also pretty sure he should let Mr. Schue know what happened. To her eternal credit, The Horrible Hooker tells Old Finn to keep that crap to himself and, after the two exchange a few words of little to no importance, she encourages him to keep playing "the role of the supportive best man," and rises to leave. I'd insert an appropriate rant here about Will choosing a nineteen-year-old former student as his best man, but Sue Sylvester's going to take care of that for me in a few scenes, so I'll keep my mouth shut instead. In the meantime, let's watch as Bloaty The Gravy Clown mopes his way straight into this evening's pink-hued title card.
McKinley High Guidance Office. Miss Pillsbury's on the verge of yet another grand mal seizure, wrestling with the wedding reception's intractable seating chart, when Frankenteen lurches into the room for what promises to be an incredibly tedious heart-to-heart. Fortunately, Miss Pillsbury's in no mood for that sort of bullshit, and she immediately shuts him down like so: "I don't have time for this -- seriously, this seating chart is like a giant Sudoku. Will wants his mother as far away from the bar as possible, and all of you Glee kids have dated so incestuously that I can't even remember who can tolerate who anymore." And before you get excited, Debra Monk will not be appearing in tonight's episode. Nor will Spy Daddy, Ralph Malph, or Ralph Malph's wife, for that matter, and no, I don't know why they couldn't snag the parents for an appropriate cameo this evening, so don't bother asking. In any event, Bloaty The Gravy Clown obstinately refuses to take the hint, and he starts babbling about what a horrible person he is until Miss Pillsbury finally snaps, "Get over it!" "If you really want to help me," she eventually adds, "then just keep a wide berth, and keep your mouth shut!" Mr. Schue pops his woefully oblivious head in at this awkward juncture to peck his visibly frazzled fiancée on the lips, after which he drags the miserable-looking Frankenteen over to...