I Do

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 9 USERS: C-
Take Back The Cake, Burn The Shoes, And Boil The Rice

...The Horrible Hooker's arms! Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaaaaah! Old Idiot Rachel at least has the good sense to look embarrassed about it all, and as Old Finn and Old Puck grin and leer at her, respectively, from the sidelines, she shyly ducks her head down into this evening's next commercial break.

Back from the break, Old Idiot Rachel emerges from the ladies' room to find Old Finn waiting for her on the balcony above the main reception hall, and the scene that follows is just excruciating, so I'll be skipping through most of it to get to the point: Long story short, Bloaty The Gravy Clown's bombed, and he plays a little game of She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not with a daisy he's plucked from Emma's bouquet, all the while calling into question Old Idiot Rachel's relationship with Dean Geyer. Instead of telling him to blow it out his flabby ass, Old Idiot Rachel patiently waits until he's run out of steam, then escorts him down to the stage for their promised duet, which is the Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton version of Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight," and color me shocked, but it's not that bad. Again, it probably helps that they once more allow the music to fade into the background while the camera circles the room to drop down from time to time on the other people present. It also probably helps that they didn't have to Auto-Tune the living shit out of Cory Monteith's vocals on this one. In any event, among the couples on the floor are Santana and Quinn, and when we stop by to listen in on their conversation, Quinn confesses, "I've never slow-danced with a girl before. I like it." Santana smiles back at her, and I have to admit, I love where this is going.

I'm a little less enamored of what's happening on the stage at this moment, but whatever. We all knew it was coming sooner or later, so we might as well just go along with it. At one especially dramatic moment during the song, Old Idiot Rachel reaches out to grasp Old Finn's hand, and there's an instant cross-cut to those same hands swaying back and forth as Old Finn and Old Idiot Rachel make their way down a hallway in the hotel above, heading to the room they've rented for the evening. The moment they disappear behind their door, St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine pop up along the same length of hall to pick up the ongoing song's vocals until they reach a room of their own, after which New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel start singing where the boys have left off, and it keeps going like that through Quinn and Santana (giddily plastered and absolutely adorable) and Overeager Artie and Big-Boobed Betty (she's got a lovely voice, from what little I can hear of it) until all five couples are safely ensconced behind Do Not Disturb signs. And as the song reaches its end, we rejoin Frankenteen and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway to watch as they strip down to their scanties before hopping into bed. In the dark, so Bloaty The Gravy Clown doesn't see her naked, because Old Idiot Rachel's a frigging basket case.

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