I Do

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 9 USERS: C-
Take Back The Cake, Burn The Shoes, And Boil The Rice

...the music room, where the assembled children greet Mr. Schue's return with a variety of whoops and cheers. Mr. Schue promises he's back to stay -- yeah, we'll see about that -- and thanks Bloaty The Gravy Clown for all the fine work he didn't do to get the club to Regionals, then heads to his trusty whiteboard to announce this week's assignment: "Wedding!!!" Naturally, Mr. Schue's in charge of the entertainment at his reception, and naturally, he intends to save lots of cash by forcing the children to perform. God, I didn't miss him at all. First, though, Mr. Schue asks Frankenteen if he'd consider eschewing the traditional best man's speech in favor of a song or two. Old Finn has little choice but to agree. This should be awful.

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Miss Pillsbury's practically on her hands and knees, scouring out Artie's locker while explaining she's seated her niece, "Betty," next to Artie at the reception. "She's blonde," Miss Pillsbury notes, scrubbing away, "she's an amazing singer, and she has, um, very large..." "...feet?" Artie cautiously finishes for her. "Boobies," Miss Pillsbury corrects. "Oh!" Artie smiles, instantly intrigued, and the two proceed to chat about Miss Pillsbury's debilitating mental illness for a second or two until even the camera gets bored with it all and sweeps away to...

...see what's up with New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Long story short, she got him a Valentine's present because she's a desperate and needy girl, but he completely forgot about the holiday because he's a thoughtless and inattentive boy, and isn't this simply hilarious? Adding to the fun, New Puck LIES about the amazing gift he so totally remembered to buy her, because we've never seen a subplot like this on TV before ever, and after she bounces on off to Spanish class, the eavesdropping New Finn slides up to New Puck to dude, "Duuuuude! You did get her something, right?" "Not yet," New Puck admits, "but I've got some ideas -- I've been brainstorming with my brother."

Smear sideways to The Lima Bean, where a porkpie-hatted Old Puck is all, "She's got some kind of eating-disorder thing, right? Take her out to dinner! Save a bunch of cash, then you can use that extra money to buy a ton of different lingerie and have her put on a fashion show! Chicks love fashion!" Not as much as I love you, Old Puck. Not even close.

Smear back to the present, where New Finn offers to help New Puck out, mainly because New Finn is so obviously in love with him. Sorry, "her" -- New Finn is so obviously in love with "her." And while I'm lingering on a freeze frame of New Finn's remarkably broad shoulders, I gotta ask: Why does he wear his hair like that? His hair looks so sexy pushed back. Will someone please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?

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