I Do

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 9 USERS: C-
Take Back The Cake, Burn The Shoes, And Boil The Rice

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Bloaty The Gravy Clown's sitting on the lip of the stage, riffling through sheet music, when The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway appears in the audience, because McKinley High has a security staff of zero. "Where have you been?" Bloaty bleats. "I asked you to come, like, an hour ago!" "I was getting a spray-tan!" Old Idiot Rachel replies in a line I completely missed the first time this aired, and hee! She's such a mess. Anyway, Frankenteen moans about the song he's supposed sing at the reception, telling her he's narrowed his options down to three possibilities: "Confessions," "My Best Friend's Girl," and "Lyin' Eyes." Excellent choices all, hon, but number two has a good beat and you can dance to it. I'd go with that. Old Finn complains that he couldn't possibly go through with the performance all on his own, so The Horrible Hooker volunteers to duet with him, because of course she does, and as they get a little too flirtatious with the subsequent banter for anyone's comfort, we head over to...

...Mr. Schue's History class. New Puck waltzes in with several members of The McKinley High Jazz Ensemble to interrupt Mr. Schue's fascinating lecture on bald eagles so he might serenade Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel with a song. A song chosen by New Finn, of course, who actually engineered this entire display because he's so obviously in love with New Puck. Sorry! Sorry -- "Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel." New Finn is so obviously in love with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel. I'm sure I'll get it right sooner or later. Anyway, New Puck and his backup singers -- New Finn, Artie, and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen -- look appropriately ridiculous in their velvet-trimmed fuchsia tuxedos (and where they found four pairs of matching Chelsea boots, I'll never know) as they launch themselves into "You're All I Need To Get By." And because every Marvin Gaye must have his Tammi Terrell, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel promptly hops up out of her seat to join them. Shockingly enough, their fellow students choose not to pelt them with garbage, probably because New Puck is working that choreography to death. It's a shame the camera never lingers on him for longer than a few seconds before cutting away to somebody else, because he's got these mid-'60s Motown moves down. And while I dump -- with good reason, mind you -- on New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's dumb storylines, I must give credit where credit is due: Jacob Artist and Melissa Benoist are goddamned delightful in this number -- it's easily the best of tonight's straight-up covers, and it's far more entertaining than at least one of this evening's narrative numbers. If these two can be so much fun here, why do they have to suck so hard everywhere else? Huh? HUH?

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