I Do

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 9 USERS: C-
Take Back The Cake, Burn The Shoes, And Boil The Rice

...tonight's big showstopper of a number -- hell, the season's big showstopper of a number -- "Getting Married Today" from Company, and I don't think I've seen a character song this fun on this show in years. Unfortunately, they've chopped it down from the full version they recorded, presumably to make time for this evening's Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel subplozzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, but what remains is still fantastic, with Emma rapidly losing her mind over in the Bridal Locker Room while Will obliviously sings hymns to her out in the chapel proper, with Mercedes doing a surprisingly fine job on the high operatic bits. The congregation gets in on the act at various appropriate moments -- none more deliciously horrific than when Old Puck snaps his face towards the camera with a terrifying smile to shout, "Amen!" -- and eventually, Emma bolts past a supremely and hilariously unconcerned Sue to race through the chapel's cloister to the street, where she hails a cab. The music cuts out the instant she's slammed shut the door (on the train of her gown, of course), and she bursts into hopeless tears as the taxi pulls out into traffic. Excellent job by Jayma Mays, here. I hate what they've done to the character over the years -- turning the adorably odd personality quirks of Season One into the depressing full-blown personality disorder of Seasons Two through Four was a massive mistake -- but I'll be damned if the actress doesn't sell the hell out of the dismal crap they've given her to play every single time. Poor Emma.

Back in the church, the weepy man-child and his nineteen-year-old best friend trade clueless smiles up at the altar as the organist attacks Richard Wagner's Nazi wedding march, and all heads turn to watch as too-old-for-this-shit flower girl Becky Jackson stomps down the aisle in a scarlet rage, hurling fistfuls of rose petals into the faces of various guests because FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY. It's one of the funniest moments of this entire episode. Unfortunately, we can't linger on it for long, as the ushers are now flinging open the chapel's back doors, and the Nazi wedding march comes crashing to a halt the moment Sue Sylvester crosses the threshold in all her bridal glory. The habanera from Carmen kicks in on the soundtrack as Sue playfully twirls down the aisle, coquettishly waving hello here and there until she eventually reaches Will's side. "What are you doing?" he quite naturally whispers. "I'm trying to stop this from becoming an utter fiasco," Sue quietly replies before leaning in very close to announce, "Emma has left the building." High above their heads, the chapel bell sounds a death knell as both Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Will hang their mouths open in shock and dismay until that bell tolls them all into this evening's next commercial break.

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