I hope nothing important happened in the first five minutes of the episode, because my cable company gave me nothing but a blank screen. Anyway, New Directions and the Troubletones get together to sing some songs to Santana to let her know they still love her even if she is a big lesbian. She's completely dismissive of Kurt and Blaine's effort, and Puck's love song ends up being obviously directed at Shelby, much to Quinn's chagrin. Finn confronts her, consumed with guilt that his outing her will lead to her suicide, and she appears to forgive him after he sings a lovely cover of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" to her. And she seems to appreciate it when all the girls of both groups get together to shut down a lesbophobic rugby player who thinks he can be the one to straighten her out. Even her parents are okay with her lady-loving ways. But things go south when she gives a lovely coming out speech to her grandmother and her abuela tells her that she never wants to see her again.
That love song Puck sings in the direction of Shelby pays off when she calls him for help when Beth falls and splits her lip. He parlays an alpha-male performance in front of the doctor into a roll in the hay with Shelby, but she still has enough sense to recognize a horrible mistake after she's made it and throws him out. Which leads him to the arms of Quinn, who wants to get knocked up again. He talks her out of that, but makes the mistake of confiding in her about his fling with Shelby. From the disgusted look on Quinn's face, that may come back to bite him some time in the future.
Meanwhile, Sue has decided she needs to start dating a man before her opponent's ad questioning her sexuality airs, and she sets her eyes on Cooter, Coach Beiste's new fella. The fact that Coach punched him the one time he tried to hold her hand makes it a lot easier for Sue to make her move. But the Panther finally realizes she needs to show Cooter how she feels, and she vows she won't go down without a fight.
And it's finally time for elections, both school and Congressional. Kurt's terrified that he'll lose and will never get into that fake theater school. And then things get worse when he wins by such a large margin that Figgins accuses him of stuffing the ballot box. Of course, St. Gay would never do such a thing -- Rachel was the one who freaked out and stuffed the box. She saves Kurt from unjust punishment by confessing to Figgins, leading to a one-week suspension and being banned from competing at Sectionals. Oh, and also, Burt wins his election and is now the newest Congressman from Ohio.
Featuring k.d. lang's "Constant Craving," performed by Santana and Shelby Corcoran, Pink's "Fuckin' Perfect," performed by Kurt and Blaine, a really slowed-down, stripped-down arrangement of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," performed by Finn, Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl," performed by the ladies of New Directions and the Troubletones (with Rachel and Santana on lead), Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One," performed by Puck, and Dolly Parton's "Jolene," performed by Coach Beiste. (Please do enjoy the hair at that last link. It's insane, even for the '70s.)
We open in the Maharishi's Sanctum of Suspension, where Figgins has just told Santana that her unprovoked slapping of Finn is being punished with a two-week suspension, due to the school's "zero tolerance policy." Zero tolerance for what? Continuity? Logic? Good teaching? Oh, "violence," according to Figgins. Santana points out all the slushy-throwers over the years that have gone unpunished, but Figgins tells her that slushies are not on the school board's list of banned weapons. So if Santana had smacked Finn with an egg beater, she wouldn't be in trouble? Figgins also rejects Santana's claim that the real culprit in the face-slapping incident was her evil alter ego, Snix. The two-week suspension will cause Santana to miss Sectionals, but neither Will nor Shelby (who are both in the office) seem willing to go to bat for Santana. But then Finn steps up and claims that the slap was really just a stage slap, so Santana can't really be punished. Figgins admits that he can't really punish Santana for a slap that never happened. Okay then, problem solved. That was a short episode.
Oh, I guess not. Finn and Santana walk into the hall and continue to talk. Santana can't figure out what devious angle Finn is working, but he tells her he's just trying to show her that she's not alone and that people (including him) care about her. He also blackmails her, telling her that she has to agree that the Troubletones and New Directions will get together for the week for a lesson that Finn has just thought up. If she doesn't agree, he'll tell Figgins the slap was real and let Santana take a two-week vacation.
Rachel walks down the hall as her V.O. tells us how worried she is about the election. If Kurt doesn't win, she thinks he won't get into the made-up NY theater school, and then she'll be without her best gay when she needs fashion advice. And Kurt's victory looks even less likely when we see Brit-Brit handing out pixie stix and promising a steady stream of sugary snacks if she's elected. Rachel, in a little flash sideways, complains to Figgins, but he's already been paid off and is downing his own purple sugary mix. Back in the hallway, Rachel approaches Kurt's locker, where Jewfro is interviewing him about his impending loss. Kurt points out that Jewfro's own polling has him ten points ahead of Hockey Hair (a.k.a. "Rick the Stick"), but Jewfro notes that's only because Hockey Hair is in a coma following a vicious hockey game. Further, Kurt is seventeen points behind Brit-Brit. Jewfro sees Brit and runs off after her, calling out "Madame President!" Rachel tells Kurt not to worry, but he tells her that he's so worried he's thinking about pulling "a JFK." Rachel: "You're gonna shoot Brittany?" Kurt tells her that he's actually thinking of rigging the vote. Because if his resumé is blank, he won't get into the fake school. Hasn't he been in the New Directions for three years? Didn't his performance of Celine Dion songs (in French) help the Cheerios win their last national title? Hasn't he been working on his father's election? Won't all those help him get into the fake school?