Episode Report Card
Demian: B | Grade It Now!

The next day (I'm guessing), Idina Menzel leads the members of her nurturing lady-choir in a few vocal exercises until Mercedes -- late, again -- barges through the door to announce she's decided upon an artist for their impending mash-up, and that artist would be current multi-platinum British singing sensation Adele, the better to boost this series' pitifully weak iTunes sales thus far this season. Except for the part where Mercedes left out all of the above save for the artist's name. In any event, her colleagues unanimously agree Adele would be an excellent choice for the mash-off, with Santana especially happy that particular decision is now out of the way, for it allows her to focus on her "one-sided battle of wits with the knuckle-draggers."

Mercedes fixes Santana with an unyielding gaze and insists, "Enough -- I'm the leader of this group, and I'm telling you: Lay off those guys." Santana quite rightly gets all, "Excuse me?" at that, and she proceeds to wonder -- loudly -- "Who died and made you queen?" Mercedes argues that the fact that she recruited Santana and the others in the first place combined with the fact that she came up with the idea for their mash-up while Santana "was wasting time trying to figure out how to make Finn Hudson cry" means that she should be named president of The Troubletones, pronto. Figuring out how to make Finn Hudson cry is never a waste of time, Mercedes. Ever. Mercedes chooses to ignore me, as is her wont, and because the script says they must, each and every one of her colleagues agrees with her argument above except for Brit-Brit. Idina therefore confirms that Mercedes has thus been duly elected club president before tediously reminding the group at large, "We should all be focused on winning because we are better, not meaner." Santana initially claims she hasn't time for "this kind of thinking," but after Mercedes plies her with compliments, she agrees to play fair, promising to be so nice that "cotton candy won't melt in [her] mouth." No, that doesn't make sense at all, but it doesn't matter, because Santana's promise is fated to last all of... seconds, as we discover when she greets Frankenteen out in the hallway with a hale and hearty, "Hey, Tubbs! Can I talk to you for a second?" The Leprechaun foolishly attempts to intervene on Finn's behalf, but Santana puts a quick stop to that with a curt, "Shut your potato-hole -- I'm here to apologize." She redirects her focus on Finn and begins, "Rachel was right -- I haven't been fair to you." "You're not fat," she claims, adding, "I should know -- I slept with you." And here's where it gets really, really good: Frankenteen makes the fatal mistake at this point of visibly allowing his guard to drop, so Santana moves in for the kill with the following brilliant stream of expertly delivered abuse, which I will quote in all its glorious entirety, the better for you to admire and applaud every last syllable. "I mean," the monologue starts, "at some point, I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back-alley liposuctions." Here, The Leprechaun again stupidly makes to interrupt, so Santana silences him with a quick, "Please stick a sock in it, or ship yourself back to Scotland -- I'm trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown." "I am sorry, Finn," she continues, once the alien nuisance has thus been so efficiently dispatched. "I mean, really, I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by The Troubletones. I'm also sorry that you have no talent -- sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you 'dance' like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life, although you know what? I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights!"

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