Glee
Michael

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There's No Need To Fear! Underboob Is Here!

Kurt runs down the hall to tell Rachel that he got his letter. She's happy for him, until he asks what her letter said, and she tells him she didn't get one. But maybe that's just because her fathers don't deliver her mail to school for her. I mean, unless she's got a spy camera in the mailbox, I'm not sure how Rachel knows what letters she did or did not receive today. Kurt tries to reassure her, but she's certain she didn't make it to the finals. She thinks she doesn't have a future, and that all she has is Finn. Lea Michele is really good at crying. Commercials.

Blaine's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing an eyepatch and some fetching pajamas, while Kurt reads to him from some celebrity rag. Rachel and Finn knock and enter. Rachel comes bearing cutely wrapped containers of chicken noodle soup, while Finn has some movies that feature eyepatches. Blaine thanks them, and then chooses that moment to make a toast to Kurt for getting into Fictional Drama School. Finn asks when the surgery is. You mean it hasn't already happened? Unless Blaine is taking some serious pain meds, why is he not at school? I don't think an eyepatch requires you to swan about in bed like an invalid. Anyway, the surgery is this week, and Blaine is scared, blah, blah, blah. But mostly he's sad to be missing MJ week. So they decide to bring MJ week to him, and start singing "Ben." I have to admit, I've always wanted to hear Kurt sing this song. And yet... now that I'm hearing it, I really can't stop thinking about the fact that it's a love song to a telepathic, murderous rat. Really. Instead of Kurt, Finn, and Rachel singing it, picture Crispin Glover. And instead of Blaine, picture a giant rat, but still wearing pajamas and an eyepatch. Just because I can picture Crispin Glover dressing Ben up like that. (By the way, that video of Crispin Glover singing this song is totally not for the musophobic. Lots of rats, crawling out of lots of cleavage, is what I'm saying. Also by the way, I wonder how Crispin Glover feels about James Franco having replaced him as America's favorite acting weirdo?)

It's some weird music room at Dalton. I mean, there's no oak paneling in sight. But it's a music room because a bunch of musicians are leaving. And it's Dalton because the Warblers are walking in. Santana, dressed in her best super-sexy mean businesswoman's ensemble, enters and greets the Warblers, telling them that Blaine might lose an eye. Chubby Warbler is all worried, but he's the only one who seems to care. Sebastian tells Santana that it's a shame pretty Blaine may lose an eye, but it's his own fault for getting in the way of a Slushy that was meant for Kurt. Santana pushes Sebastian to admit he put something in the Slushy, but he denies it. She calls him a liar; in response to this attack on his honor, Sebastian demands "satisfaction in Warbler tradition." What, like trying to find five minutes to masturbate while your roommate it out of the dorm room? Oh, he means "satisfaction" like a duel. A singing duel. Eh, I bet there's a lot more the first kind of satisfaction going on at this school. Santana accepts the challenge, and asks the cello guys to stick around. (And by "cello guys," she means 2CELLOS, upon whose video this performance is based. Check them out, they're kind of cool.) Sebastian tells the other Warblers to leave, since he doesn't want them to see him make a girl cry. The cello guys start playing "Smooth Criminal." They are so fierce and giving each other such looks as they play. Get a room, cello guys! (And then let me watch, because you're really cute.) Sebastian and Santana are pretty amazing. After they finish, they each claim to have won. They were great, but I actually think the cello guys won. Santana again asks for the truth about what was in the Slushy, and Sebastian tells her it was rock salt: "But it's okay." Santana: "Why is it okay? I just told you that Blaine had to have surgery." Sebastian: "It's okay because I didn't put anything in this one." And with that, he takes a Slushy from one of his Warbler minions and throws it in Santana's face. Commercials.

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Glee

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