Lair Of The Maharishi. "Sexy teen imbeciles," The Maharishi opens, addressing Sexy Teen Imbeciles Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and Brittany S. Pierce, "the SAT scores are in, and you have managed to receive the highest and lowest scores ever recorded at McKinley!" Turns out Brittany got herself a "near-perfect 2340," so The Maharishi quite naturally accuses her of cheating. Brit-Brit defends herself like so: "All I did was fill in 'A' for a while, and then 'C' for a little bit, and then 'D,' and then I did 'A' again, and then I used the dots to draw a clown and then a penis." Makes sense to me. After all, the SAT is a frigging mess nowadays -- I mean, calculators? Really?

In any event, this of course means Lady Lips landed at the opposite end of the scale, and his results are even worse than you might imagine: He somehow managed to crash below the 600-point floor you get just for writing your name correctly and wound up with a mere 340 -- "a score routinely bested by monkeys," as The Maharishi notes. Lady Lips pushes his vast trouty mouth out into a pout of truly epic proportions at this depressing news, so sweet-hearted Brittany quickly takes steps to reassure him by pointing out, "You don't need to go to college like the rest of us -- you've got a really great body! You could be a personal trainer, you could be a greeter at Abercrombie, you could be a greeter at Abercrombie's world headquarters, whatever you want to do!" I'll just leave this piece of grossness right here and keep moving, okay?