In Ohio: Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, Dreamboat Blaine, and Bloaty The Gravy Clown have succeeded in getting The Dalton Academy Swallows disqualified from any future show choir competitions this year, so the children of The New New Directions are headed for Regionals in Indianapolis after all. Of course, this means they must somehow manage to scrounge up $400 for a bus, and I was going to list all of the different ways one or another of them could just fork over the rental fee on their own -- starting with Frankenteen soliciting a donation from his congressman stepfather and ending with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel selling her goddamned $25,000 watch -- but maybe I'll save that for an extra-long rant in the recap proper. Single-T Tina proposes they produce a special "Men Of McKinley High" calendar to raise the necessary funds, which everyone of course decides is an excellent idea, with the notable exception of Artie, who's none too keen on stripping down to his scanties. Coach Sylvester voices certain reservations of her own, naturally, but after a series of plot twists and heartfelt conversations, the salacious project moves forward, and The Glee Clubbers easily make the cash they need.
In New York: The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway lands a part in a sure-to-be-wretched student film that requires her to go topless for a supposedly crucial scene, and this of course leads to round after round of agita and angst for everyone associated with her -- most especially St. Gay Of Lima, who summons Old Quinn and Santana Lopez to Manhattan to talk Rachel out of it. They fail at this task, more or less, but The Horrible Hooker bails on the project at the last minute, anyway, so...good for her? Bad for her? I don't particularly care.
In Other News: Our dear little Brit-Brit is a certified SAT-taking genius, Andrea Carmichael flips the fuck out, and I still don't give a shit about Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's love life.
Featuring Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn," as performed by The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway and the innocent yet aggravating Rachel Berry we all used to know and love; a medley of Nelly's "Hot In Herre" and The J. Geils Band's "Centerfold," as performed by The Glee Guys with New Quinn and a bunch of random Cheerios offering them backup; Christina Perri's "A Thousand Yearzzzzzzzzzzz," as performed by Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel and New Puck; Ne-Yo's "Let Me Love YouZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ," as performed by New Puck; "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles, as performed by Old Idiot Rachel, Old Quinn, and Santana Lopez; and A Great Big World's "This Is The New Year," as performed by the children of The New New Directions.
Your regularly-scheduled programming has been interrupted for this bit of BREAKING NEWS from our friends at WOHN Channel 8: A studiously blasé Ernst Blofeld, flanked by his lawyers, is just now emerging onto the front steps of Lima's Hall Of Justice Building, where he's immediately swarmed by a buzzing throng of reporters, one of whom yells, "Mr. Clarington! What do you have to say about the steroid allegations?" "I look forward to my day in court," Ernst superciliously replies, adding, "Until then, I have no comment." "But what about the report that you look waaaaay too old to still be in high school?" another reporter demands. Ernst instantly loses his cool and lunges at the catty bitch to start beating the guy with his own microphone as Channel 8's live shot switches back to...
...the WOHN studios, where Rod Remington, northwestern Ohio's most-trusted name in news, solemnly notes that "a blood test administered by the show choir governing board tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs." Rod's co-anchor Andrea Carmichael gives the camera a deeply pained look as Rod confirms that Dalton Academy has been stripped of its Sectionals title, "sending Lima's own McKinley High School show choir to Regionals and a chance to repeat as national champions!" Rod fixes that famously unctuous smile of his on his face, only to have it falter the instant poor, long-suffering Andrea finally and at long last loses her shit. "I can't believe it!" she cries out. "This is what they think news is now?" she hoots, jabbing a pair of angrily incredulous fingers at all those idiot morons out there in the dark. "I can't take this anymore!" she shouts, struggling to strip off her body mike before repeating, "I cannot. Take this. ANYMORE!" "I have had it!" she continues, rising to rage off the set. "I went to school for this!" she screams, kicking over a garbage can that had the great misfortune of blocking her magnificent exit, and as her hysterical peals of laughter give way to sobbing somewhere off-screen, Rod turns back to the camera and bubbles, "Well, it looks like someone's gonna get a younger, hotter co-anchor!" Title card.
McKinley High's music room, already fully reclaimed by The New New Directions, all of whom whoop and holler up there in the cheap seats as Bloaty The Gravy Clown scrawls a triumphant "Regionals!!" on the whiteboard. "We are back!" Frankenteen enthuses above the children's cheers, taking a moment to congratulate Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and Dreamboat Blaine on their mad investigatory skillz before reminding the kiddies that they've got precious little time to prepare for their next big competition. Unmentioned throughout is how McKinley managed to leapfrog past The Rosedale Mennonites because: Who?