And besides, it's time to kick-start tonight's primary storyline: "We still have to raise four hundred dollars," Frankenteen notes, "to pay for the bus to get to the competition in Indianapolis." "It's the Paris of Indiana!" Artie swoons. Indeed. Though I hear Mishawaka is stunning this time of year. Old Finn suggests they hold a bake sale, given how successful their last one proved to be. "That's because Puck spiked the cupcakes with Mary Jane," Artie reminds him.
Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Still Can't Be Bothered To Look Up volunteers to trade in his luscious locks for some extra cash, an idea New Quinn immediately shoots down like so: "To who -- Jamaican kids with Rastafarian cancer, or as rigging on a haunted pirate ship?" Point to New Quinn. And just as Lady Lips offers to sell "more" of his semen, Single-T Tina rises to cut through the crap with a brilliant idea of her own: They'll print a modestly-priced "Men of McKinley" calendar starring all six of The Glee Guys! Hooray! "Wait!" a suddenly squirmy Artie interjects, wondering, "Why does it have to be just the men? Why can't we objectify the girls, too?" "'Cause girls are the ones that buy stuff," New Quinn duhs, adding, "We're responsible for the consumer-driven economy." "Those Twilight books were poop on paper," she correctly points out, "and we've turned them into a billion-dollar industry." Yet another point to New Quinn, depressing as that point may be. At this rate, I might have to start referring to her by her character's actual name. In any event, Bloaty The Gravy Clown congratulates Single-T Tina on her absolutely spectacular idea, and as Artie continues to fret and frown due to his obvious Issues with this evening's primary storyline, Brit-Brit leans over to wonder what Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's doing after school.
Cut to the opening credits of Fondue For Two, after which Brittany welcomes us back to the latest installment of her much-missed chat show. "You may know tonight's guest only as the girl with the fat mom who ruined Sectionals for everybody," Brit-Brit begins before asking us all to give it up for Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel. Lord Tubbington seems as unimpressed with his mistress's guest as I am. Sly Brit-Brit opens the interview by tossing out a breezy reference to Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's supposed bulimia, which Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel calmly deflects by claiming to be a "pet psychic." "Can you tell me what Lord Tubbington's thinking right now?" Brittany asks. Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel takes one look at the cat -- who's currently logging into a web-based casino named "Lucky Kitty" -- and replies, "I think he wants to lose some weight, and he has an online gambling addiction." "Wrong!" Brit-Brit calls out, adding, "If you would have told me that Lord Tubbington was secretly a slumlord, I would have believed you." Brittany then casts a baleful eye on her favorite feline and chides, "None of your high-rises are up to code -- those families are living in squalor, and they deserve better." Heh. And as Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel gags on a boiling bit of cheese, Brit-Brit switches gears again to encourage her guest to admit that she's in love with New Puck. Nobody cares, Brittany. Brit-Brit ignores me and continues to press the issue, urging Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel to tell New Puck exactly how she feels. Nobody cares, Brittany. Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel gapes.