Glee

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Never Been Kissed

...the locker room, where Lady Lips eyebrows, "I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before." "Well," Finn allows, "you have to find something to be your own buzzkill -- you know, something that is totally not hot." On cue, Coach Beiste enters to loom over scrawny little Artie in the far background of the shot, brandishing an athletic supporter and roaring, "I don't care! If you're on this football team, you'll wear a cup!" Finn gets An Idea, and grins. "Hey," he conspiratorially murmurs to Sam, "you ever notice when The Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?" The camera zooms in on Coach Beiste's derriere as she picks at her rage-induced wedgie. "Looks like I found my mailman," Lady Lips supposes. "Yes, you did!" Frankenteen all but giggles. Title card.

Hall. Kurt and Single-T Tina float towards their next class swathed in a smug cloud of self-satisfied sartorial superiority until White Boy Jock Meathead slams Kurt into a locker. Well, actually, Max Adler sort of taps Chris Colfer on the shoulder, and Chris Colfer positively hurls himself against a nearby bank of lockers like the overly emotive attention-whore drama queen we all know he secretly is. Kidding! I'm totally kidding. Seriously, though, Adler barely touches Colfer, and the whole Bodycheck-Into-Locker effect's coming from Colfer slamming his open palms against the metal as loudly as he possibly can. It's really kind of funny once you notice it. It also makes this evening's woeful tale of physically abusive high-school bullying almost impossible to take seriously, but that's something I'll likely get into later. For now, though, I should probably get used to typing White Boy Jock Meathead's actual character name, which is "Dave Karofsky," because he'll be figuring heavily into this evening's abovementioned woeful tale. And it figures that dicksmack would be named Dave, doesn't it?

Music room. Kurt and Tina arrive just as the second bell rings, and as they take their seats, Mr. Schue welcomes back the errant Mr. Puckerman, who as you'll recall was sent to juvie for all of two weeks for knocking over an ATM. As Puck's fellow Glee Clubbers offer the delinquent a round of applause, Mr. Schue condescends, "I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong?" "Are you kidding?" Puck snorts by way of response. "I ruled that place -- all I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day." "Wow, what a catch, I can't believe I ever let you go," Quinn drolly deadpans as Mr. Schue calls for an impromptu drum-roll from Finn, for he's just received notification of New Directions' competition in this year's Sectionals. "First," the strangely bespectacled Mr. Schue announces, "the a cappella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, The Dalton Academy Warblers!" "Okay, hold up!" Santana Lopez interrupts, a deliciously wicked grin spreading across her face as she snickers, "Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head!" The camera pulls a rack focus to capture Kurt's supremely disdainful "Bitch, please!" reaction shot, and I'd approvingly note this episode's attention to the sort of soul-crushingly casual everyday homophobia exemplified by Santana's statement were this episode actually interested in the sort of soul-crushingly casual everyday homophobia exemplified by Santana's statement, but this episode isn't actually interested in that sort of thing even though that sort of thing is depressingly far more common than actual physical abuse, so forget I said anything about it, and where the hell was I?

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Glee

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