I'm just going to stick to the facts for this, lest I fly into an unseemly series of uncontrollable rages: The Glee Club's preparations for this year's Regionals are nearly derailed when news reaches the children of the recently-outed Karofsky's suicide attempt. Much chatter and soul-searching ensues, little Steffi Germanotta's new brand extension gets product-placed, St. Gay Of Lima climbs back up on his cross for a couple of scenes, Wily Sebastian gets an abrupt and unamusing image makeover, and Rachel and Frankenteen decide to push up the date of their hideously stupid nuptials because they've suddenly realized that life is for the living, or some such bullshit.
Despite all this, Regionals goes on as previously scheduled, and of course New Directions triumphs over The Dalton Academy Swallows and Our Lady Of Perpetual Sorrow's Golden Goblets, despite the fact that both New Directions and The Swallows totally, totally blew. Afterwards, a freshly knocked-up Sue lets her rampaging pregnancy hormones get the better of her, and not only does she welcome Quinn back to Cheerios with open arms, she also cheerfully offers Will her assistance for this year's Nationals competition. Meanwhile, Burt, Carole, and the eminent Messrs. Berry desperately try to come up with ways to prevent their children from actually going through with their ludicrously asinine nuptials, but not one of the four is actually able to hack out a workable plan.
And then Quinn gets t-boned by a pickup truck. Fly and be free, Dianna Agron!
Featuring Young The Giant's "Cough Syrup," as performed by Blaine; a version of Byron's "She Walks In Beauty" that I can't find on YouTube, as performed by The Golden Goblets; "Stand" by Lenny Kravitz, as performed by The Dalton Academy Swallows; The Wanted's "Glad You Came," as also performed by The Dalton Academy Swallows; a medley of Nicki Minaj's "Fly" and noted urinator R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," as performed by the children of New Directions, with prominent solos from Rachel, Santana, Artie and Blaine; Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger," as performed by the ladies of Idina Menzel's now-defunct lady-choir, with prominent solos from Santana, Mercedes and Brit-Brit; Halestorm's "Here's To Us," as performed by the children of New Directions, with a prominent solo from Rachel; and "Chapel Of Love" by the Dixie Cups, which may or may not have been performed by The Glee Gals.
Did this episode mark the end of the Glee couple known to shippers as FaBerry? Hulu's The Morning After show is hoping for the best:
The Lima Bean. Idiot Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima sit at one of the tables, blissfully sipping at their nonfat mochas while flipping through The Knot Book Of Wedding Lists until Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual oozes on up to greet them like so: "Well, well, well! If it isn't a young Barbra Streisand and an old Betty White!" "Where is Gay Cyclops?" he goes on to wonder. "Still trying to stumble his way in?" And with the bitchtastic preliminaries thus so pleasantly dispensed, Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual wastes little time getting to the point of his unexpected visit, which is the engagement present he's procured for Idiot Rachel: A blatantly Photoshopped eight-by-ten of Frankenteen, who's seen sporting a cunning pair of flaming red pumps and absolutely nothing else.
Naturally, both Idiot Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima are shocked and appalled, but wait! There's more! If Idiot Rachel does not drop out of Regionals immediately, Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual will upload the photo "and dozens just like it" to The Wide Wide World Of Web, thereby besmirching Frankenteen's heretofore immaculate reputation forever. "That is show-choir terrorism!" Idiot Rachel screeches. "You give a bad name to the entire gay community," St. Gay huffily sniffs. "And you give the gay community cutting-edge fashion that's usually only seen on Puerto Rican Pride floats," Sebastian witheringly retorts. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you!" St. Gay sings. "I was distracted by your giant horse teeth!" Unfortunately, rather than continuing with this delightful exchange of witty barbs, Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual chooses instead simply to repeat his earlier threat, and after the camera swoops in for an extreme close-up on Idiot Rachel's spectacularly dumb-looking expression of horror and dismay, we hit this evening's title card.
Music room. At some point during the last two seconds, Idiot Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima dashed back to the hallowed halls of dear old McKinley High and informed all of their compatriots of Sebastian's threat, even going so far as to show Frankenteen the Photoshopped eight-by-ten. Frankenteen of course flies into an incoherent rage and lumbers to his ungainly feet to issue garbled threats promising physical violence against The Predatory Homosexual until Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen wheels Artie to the middle of the floor so Artie might read the following passage from Page 72, Bylaw 15, Section 6, Article 44 of the Official Show Choir Rule Book: "Any real or perceived threat of violence, vandalism, or humiliation will be met with the swift and unquestioned disqualification of the threatening party's team with extreme prejudice." Which is why both New Directions and Vocal Adrenaline were thrown out of competition at the end of Season One. Except for the fact that neither New Directions nor Vocal Adrenaline were thrown out of competition at the end of Season One, despite the fact that both New Directions and Vocal Adrenaline blatantly deployed tactics of violence, vandalism, and humiliation against one another during this episode. I guess if they'd simply threatened one another without actually doing anything about it, things would have ended up differently. Good to know.