Somewhere else that isn't either of the previous locations -- and Jesus Christ, but how goddamned big is the fucking Allen County Courthouse, anyway? -- Idiot Rachel materializes in this Givenchy knockoff and shyly approaches the gobsmacked Frankenteen for a few last-minute...whatever. Not important, at all, because there are only two and a half minutes left in the episode, and we still have to squeeze in an urgent public service announcement regarding the perils of distracted driving. I'd throw in a "You think I'm kidding?" here were it not for the fact that: Come on. I know you've already seen this shit, so I know you know I'm not kidding. This show. This fucking awful show.
So, as "Chapel Of Love" by the Dixie Cups kicks in on the soundtrack, Idiot Rachel receives a text message from Quinn on her product-placed iPhone that reads, "Ran home to get my bridesmaids dress. Be there soon." I should probably note that Quinn's text message is time-stamped "11:01 PM" on Thursday, "Feb 9, 2012," because hey, why not fuck that little detail up, am I right?
Out on the road, Quinn gets stuck behind a slow-moving tractor.
Back at the courthouse, Santana eyerolls, "Face it -- Quinn's not coming." "She said she'd be here!" Idiot Rachel protests. "I don't want to start without her!" The clock on the wall says it's 4:55 PM. Only five minutes until their scheduled appointment with the judge! Oh, no! "We gotta go right now, or we'll lose our slot," Frankenteen announces. "Can we please just wait a couple more minutes for Quinn?" Idiot Rachel begs. "It's now or never!" Frankenteen urgently replies. Idiot Rachel pouts, then picks up her product-placed iPhone to ask of the tardy Quinn, "WHERE ARE YOU???"
"ON MY WAY TO HELL, BITCHES!" the tardy Quinn texts back, and then she gets t-boned by a pickup truck.
And that, dear children, is why you should never go to stupid weddings.
Next up: No new episodes until April 10th, at which point we'll presumably learn if Quinn lives or dies. Can you stand the excitement? Well? Can you?
Demian can't believe anyone thought this was a good idea. You may reach him at email@example.com.