The producers have discovered either a time machine or Rob Ford's stash, because we're violating all laws of time and geography to celebrate Christmas even though it's April or May on the show. In Ohio, that means the return of the traditional, never-before-seen 50th Annual Christmas Tree Decorating Contest. The Glee Club wins (even though Sue is the judge), but they decide to give up the plastic angel prize to Becky so she can have some holiday cheer. It's also time for the first annual living manger. All the girls want the role of Mary, except for New Quinn, who thinks she's too much of a fallen woman to deserve the role. This leads everyone else to decide that she should get the role so she can feel some self-worth. So she takes it. And Becky gets cast as the head of Baby Jesus.
In New York, that means Santana visits Rachel and Kurt because she can't handle running into Brit-Brit in Ohio. The three of them get gigs as shopping mall elves for a drunk Santa, and find themselves having to placate an angry mob of kids and parents when Santa disappears. They do this via a delightful song and a highly inappropriate -- but no less delightful -- visit from Sapphic Mrs. Claus. They think they're saved when Sexy Santa drops by to give them tips. He invites himself to dinner, makes out with Kurt, gets them drunk and... robs them. So that's the true meaning of Christmas, I guess.
Featuring a bunch of Christmas music and.... "Love Child," originally performed by Diana Ross and the Supremes, performed here by Unique with backup from Tina and Boring New Idiot Rachel.
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We open on "America's Jane Lynch," standing in a tastefully appointed living room, putting coal into the Christmas stockings of Cloris Leachman, Meryl Streep, Melissa McCarthy, Edie Falco, and Merritt Wever. She tells us that what we're about to see is the first attempt at last year's Christmas episode, which was canned after studio executives saw it. But due to popular demand, they've edited out the most offensive bits and are presenting it to us tonight. Frankly, this is all bullshit, but I could not care less. The thing that made me saddest about the bizarrely extended school year of seasons 4 and 5 was that it would rule out the chance of a Christmas episode this year. There's no other show in all of Christendom that gives us such seasonal delights as Sue playing golf with Will's Christmas balls, a recreation of Judy Garland's black-and-white holiday special, or a pair of half-brothers' Hanukkah spree across Los Angeles. So I'm just glad they found some reason to give us that Yuletide crack that has come to mean "Christmas" to so many of us.
Music room. Will is telling the kids (which, no, do not include any kids who were actually part of the show last year but have since departed) that the theme for the week is "Green Christmas." And that's because the powers that be have selected an ecological theme for the 50th annual classroom decorating contest. Tina and Sam are going to run the show, and Tina is hell-bent on winning, since the "antique handblown glass angel" prize is rumored to have magic powers that might allow her to become prom queen. Like that'll happen. Tina turns into quite the monster, stunning everyone with her demand that they quit all other holiday activities until they win that prize. Will cuts the silence by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and then Blaine tries to launch into "Joy to the World." But he's met with a unanimous chorus of "Shut up, Blaine!" Heh. Title card.
Coach Beiste calls to order "the McKinley High Non-Denominational Christmas Club." Which is made up of every member of the New Directions, plus a few hangers-on. Club vice-president Artie breaks the news (which he just received from Still Principal Figgins) that the McKinley manger scene has been completely defaced and destroyed. Tina panics about the pending cancellation of Christmas, but Artie reassures her that they're going to stage a living nativity. Artie and Coach Beiste have decided that New Puck should play Joseph, since "Joseph was a darkly tan Jew." New Puck, uncertainly: "Thank you?" Unique calls dibs on Mary, but New Quinn tells her "You can't. You're black, and you'd crush the donkey." New Boring Idiot Rachel throws her hand into the air and announces that she's a virgin. Since Unique is not the only one who wants to play Mary, Coach Beiste announces that auditions will happen the next day. Left unanswered is New Puck's question, "Are nativities even allowed on school property?" Because let's not try to drag reality into this mess.