Cut to the mall, where Kurt and Blaine are sitting in a couple of vibrating chairs. Tina comes down the nearby escalator. She's buying fabric for costumes for Nationals while also text-fighting with Mike Chang. And then Tina trips and falls into a fountain, smashing her head on the bottom. Kurt and Blaine run over to pull her out. Except that Blaine now looks like Puck with a wig glued to his head, while Kurt has gained a huge amount of body mass and looks like Finn. But wearing Blaine and Kurt's clothes. Also, a very soaked Tina is now wearing Rachel's outfit from earlier. And the ersatz Blaine and Kurt are calling her Rachel. I do love that their first reaction to the idea that she might have hit her head is to get her back to the music room. Instead of, you know, a doctor. Tina finally looks down at herself and exclaims, "Oh my God! I'm Rachel Berry!" Commercials.
Hallway. Finnish Kurt is begging Tina-ish Rachel to come to Between the Sheets with him after school to help pick out sheet music, leading Puckish Blaine to start complaining about that interloping flirtatious texter, Chandler. As they wander off, "Rachel" is confronted by Artie, standing tall, wearing a Cheerio's uniform (with pants instead of a skirt, alas), and sporting a saucy ponytail. This Artie-ish Santana is there to insult "Rachel" and make her worried about choking on her solo like she did at her audition. And then Santana, nerdy and wheelchair bound, rolls up to "Rachel" to tell her that if she doesn't win at Nationals she'll be crushing the dreams of every handicapable kid in America. All Brit-Brit, wearing a horrible Mercedes wig, has to say is "Praise." A shorter, African-American version of Brit-Brit then apologizes for having to leave right after "Rachel's" solo, since she has to bail Lord Tubbington out of jail: "He tried to sell my iPhone for drugs."
And then a hawk-nosed, vaguely semitic version of Tina approaches "Rachel" to nervously ask for tips about applying to fake theater schools, even though this self-doubting "Tina" is certain she's a long-shot to get in anywhere. As they're talking, they walk into the music room, just in time for Will, dressed in red track suit, to yell at them through a megaphone: "That's enough Tina. You can hawk your chop suey recipes after Rachel shows us her solo for Nationals." Two things. First, Will's a little too femme to play Sue. Second, seeing the two of them in each other's clothes makes me realize how much older Matthew Morison looks than Jane Lynch. How is that possible? Anyway, the Sue-ish version of Will is there to call "Sue" out on her racism. "Sue" declares that she can't be racist, due to her distant Native American roots. "My Comanche name is 'Cheerleads with Wolves.'" The rest of the mixed-up New Directions are already sitting in their seats in the music room. It's time for "Rachel" to show them her solo, but not before "Will" reminds her that their hopes for Nationals are resting on her shoulders. "Rachel" is nervous, so Kurtish Finn gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and also commenting on how much larger her boobs are than usual. So then "Rachel" turns around and sings Céline Dion's "Because You Loved Me." As usual, the performance switches over to the auditorium at some point. The only really notable thing about the kids in the audience is that while New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up really does have gross hair, that same hair works on Mike Chang's head. At the end of the song, back in the music room, "Rachel" gets a standing ovation.