Glee

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With absolutely no warning whatsoever, we find ourselves flung into the opening credits of Brittany S. Pierce's exuberant new YouTube-based chat show, Fondue For Two, and while I'm tempted to claim that the aggravating vintage Casio drum kit riff is the worst thing about it -- and by "worst," I of course mean "fantabulously best" -- that particular prize must go instead to the outfit our dear little Brit-Brit's sporting at the moment: A nightmarish 1980s one-piece denim jumpsuit accessorized with a rainbow belt held together by a yellow double-apple buckle, and despite my inexcusable fondness for it at the moment, I swear to the sweet baby Jesus that if this show makes this ensemble trendy again, I will hunt down all those responsible and shoot each and every one of them in the face. That belt! Fucking hell.

Anyway, Fondue For Two, as its hostess announces, combines the two things Brittany likes the most: "Hot cheese, and talking to people." I was going to attempt a "drippy sticks she can put in her mouth and pussy" joke here, but I thought the better of it, mainly because Brittany's pussy doesn't make its entrance until the end of the segment. In any event, Brittany's inaugural guests are McKinley High's "biggest gossips," Mercedes and Single-T Tina, the latter of whom quite correctly wonders, "Shouldn't it be Fondue For Three?" Brit-Brit just blankly shakes her head in response to this while Mercedes nearly gags on a tremendous wad of too-hot cheese and bread, which she then proceeds to hork out onto a plate. Lovely. "So!" Brittany smiles, completely ignoring the decidedly unladylike shenanigans of her uncouth guest. "Let's get down to some hot dish: I heard a rumor that Mr. Kidney the janitor walks around school drinking vodka out of a teapot!" "Is this really what they were doing in the '70s?" Mercedes grimaces, wrinkling her entire face as she tries another bite. "It tastes the way a baby's diaper smells!" Meanwhile, Single-T Tina would like to address a certain common bit of scuttlebutt regarding Asian men. "Not true!" she whispers knowingly at the camera, and in case you've led a remarkably sheltered life up to this point, she's talking about dick. Which makes me feel a hell of a lot better about all the "Brittany's Pussy" jokes I'll be making over the course of this recap, because seriously: Forty seconds in, and Ryan Murphy's already got Tina whispering knowingly about Asian dong? Yeah, I am very happy my parents stopped watching this show way back in October.

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Glee

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