Saturday Night Glee-ver

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | Grade It Now!
"I'm Sick Of Guys Who Ain't Got Their Shit Together."

Smear sideways to Coach Sylvester's cadre of expert Viennese tailors, which is actually just Becky Jackson bopping along to a disco soundtrack as she stitches the replica together in Sue's office -- and no, I don't know whose measurements Becky's using to make the goddamned thing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to care, anyway -- and after we smear back to the present, Mr. Schue kicks things off with his appropriately high-pitched rendition of The Bee Gees' "Night Fever," with backup vocals provided by Dreamboat Blaine and New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Can't Be Bothered To Look Up. The song's signature falsetto is like nails in my ears, of course, no matter who's performing it, but the dance-off itself is actually kind of fun, especially when Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen rips open his shirt to unleash a couple of his patented Kentucky Fried Stripper gyrations in the middle of the whole thing. When did he get to be so hot? Sigh. Of course, when Frankenteen lurches center stage for his turn in the spotlight, he's utterly incapable of offering us anything more than a couple of badly off-beat disco-style pointy fingers, but that's to be expected by now, I suppose. At any rate, his terminally ungainly ass quickly vanishes into the back of the pack when Mr. Schue and Coach Sylvester lead them all in a sharply-choreographed Hustle to end the awkwardly truncated number.

And when it's over, Mr. Schue announces that he and Coach Sylvester have settled upon three finalists for that iconic piece of polyester trash: Santana Lopez, Mercedes Jones, and... flat-footed Frankenteen! Frankenteen looks mighty pleased with himself, even though he's the only one of the three not to receive a round of applause from his peers because everyone knows how much he sucks and we enter this evening's first commercial break wondering how long it'll take for someone to call Mr. Schue on this blatant bit of results-rigging fuckery.

Forever, as it turns out, for while the first scene after the break more or less opens with Santana Lopez scorching both Mr. Schue and dimwit Frankenteen with a pair of vicious side-eyes, neither she nor Mercedes actually questions the contest's questionable results until Mr. Schue admits the whole thing was nothing more than a tawdry ruse to get the three finalists to focus on their futures. Their actual assignment for the week, he tells them during a private confab in a temporarily abandoned classroom, is "to perform a song from Saturday Night Fever and then share [their] hopes for the future." This should suck. Well, as far as Frankenteen's concerned, at least. "So, what is this?" Mercedes sasses. "Some teacher's manipulative game to get us to tell you what we want to be when we grow up?" Basically, yeah. Mr. Schue, however, pretty much blows off Mercedes's excellent question in favor of spouting a few more platitudes in the children's general direction, and when he's done...

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