It's Sectionals, bitches! Unfortunately, before we get to the competition proper, Will must formalize his resignation as director of the Glee Club as a result of last week's unfortunate mattress incident. Emma quickly volunteers to take his place, even going so far as to delay her sham wedding for a few hours in order to escort the kids to the Sectionals venue, so the only thing left to decide upon is the set list itself, though you'd think these bozos would have nailed that damn thing down long before now. Everyone quickly agrees to include their wheelchair-bound version of "Proud Mary" along with their signature "Don't Stop Believing," but a quarrel erupts over the required ballad, with Mercedes demanding her moment in the spotlight over -- who else? -- Rachel. An impromptu diva-off commences, with Mercedes absolutely killing it with a rousing rendition of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls, after which Rachel gracefully concedes.
Of course, because we haven't had quite enough drama up to this point, Rachel tells Finn that Puck's actually the father of Quinn's fetus, so Finn pitches a massive hissy and quits, like, life, or something. After everyone sighs and frets and looks guilty about the entire uncomfortable situation, the kids -- plus last-minute Finn replacement J-Fro, who's been instructed to just stand in the back and sway -- head off to Sectionals, where they've been slotted into the third and final performance spot, and wouldn't you know it? The Jane Addams girls immediately proceed to perform both "And I Am Telling You" and "Proud Mary" -- the latter in wheelchairs, no less -- leading to a major collective freak-out by our endearing underdogs that's only made worse when the deaf kids from Haverbrook tunelessly howl their way through "Don't Stop Believing," much to the teary-eyed delight of the Sectionals audience, so Will, apprised of this turn of events via a series of increasingly frantic cell phone conversations with Emma, convinces a still-pouting Finn to head to the auditorium to see what he can do to help the situation.
Once Finn arrives, everyone quickly agrees to a hastily revised set list that includes "Don't Rain On My Parade" from Funny Girl, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones, and a version of "Somebody To Love" that we don't get to see. International Recording Artist Eve And Her Ridiculously Crappy Wig, feeling guilty about accepting the McKinley set list from evil Sue Sylvester, attempts to remove the Jane Addams girls from the competition at the last minute, but the spectacularly unqualified judges -- who include a Carrie Prejean-esque fifth runner-up in the Miss Ohio pageant, a supremely unamused assistant state comptroller who's only there because her boss snagged some last-minute NASCAR tickets, and Sue's erstwhile paramour from the TV station -- have already reached their decision. And they award the trophy to New Directions. Of course.
Meanwhile, Will leaves Terri for good, Ken strands Emma at the altar, Emma announces she's leaving McKinley, Figgins fires Sue over the leaked set lists, and the eleven o'clock number is a version of Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You" that incorporates bits of choreography from just about every single number they've performed thus far this season. And in the end, Will chases after Emma to plant a sloppy wet one on her lips. How does she react? You'll have to wait until April to find out. Suckers!
Previously on Glee: The season thus far, duh. Currently on Glee, Kurt, Mercedes, Single-T Tina, and Artie are lounging around the baby grand in the music room, gossiping about who Mr. Schuester's replacement as Glee Club advisor might be after last week's unfortunate mattress incident when Rachel comes steaming in from the hall to wonder, "Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Quinn's aid during rehearsal yesterday?"
Smear to Rehearsal Yesterday, where Quinn's just now crashing onto her ass on the floor after slipping during a dance move. "Isitthebabyisitcoming?" Finn babbles, instantly kneeling by her side. "I think we're supposed to get hot towels!" Puck offers, having flown from the opposite end of the room to hold Quinn's hand in his. "Would you both just SHUT UP?" Quinn howls, shooting the two of them death glares while struggling to her feet on her own. "There's, like, sweat on the floor," she grumbles before insisting, "I'm fine!" Rachel stands on the sidelines amidst her gawping cohorts all gimlet-eyed and such until we...
...smear back to the present, where Kurt, Mercedes, Single-T Tina, and Artie lie pretty much in unison that they found nothing unusual whatsoever in Puck's behavior, especially given the fact that he and Quinn are friends. "It seemed like more than that," Rachel sighs before confiding, "I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic." Rachel rather amusingly activates her Manson Lamps on that last word while Mercedes shoots an equally amusing "Bitch kidding?" side-eye at Single-T Tina. Trumping them all, naturally, is Kurt, whose eyebrows have wafted towards the ceiling with maliciously gleeful disbelief while he purses his lips and leans slightly forward in his elegant perch atop a stool, the better not to miss a single syllable of the Capital-K Krazy now pouring from Rachel's delusional lips. Hee. "I can't read minds yet," Rachel whispers conspiratorially, "but I do have a sixth sense -- something is definitely going on there!" After the briefest of pauses, Kurt, Mercedes, Single-T Tina, and Artie bail, claiming they must be elsewhere at the moment, leaving poor Rachel and her delusional lips to chase after them all, "There's nothing to be scared of! It's not like Carrie, or anything!"
Hallway. "She's on to it," Mercedes groans into her cell phone.