It's Sectionals, bitches! Unfortunately, before we get to the competition proper, Will must formalize his resignation as director of the Glee Club as a result of last week's unfortunate mattress incident. Emma quickly volunteers to take his place, even going so far as to delay her sham wedding for a few hours in order to escort the kids to the Sectionals venue, so the only thing left to decide upon is the set list itself, though you'd think these bozos would have nailed that damn thing down long before now. Everyone quickly agrees to include their wheelchair-bound version of "Proud Mary" along with their signature "Don't Stop Believing," but a quarrel erupts over the required ballad, with Mercedes demanding her moment in the spotlight over -- who else? -- Rachel. An impromptu diva-off commences, with Mercedes absolutely killing it with a rousing rendition of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls, after which Rachel gracefully concedes.
Of course, because we haven't had quite enough drama up to this point, Rachel tells Finn that Puck's actually the father of Quinn's fetus, so Finn pitches a massive hissy and quits, like, life, or something. After everyone sighs and frets and looks guilty about the entire uncomfortable situation, the kids -- plus last-minute Finn replacement J-Fro, who's been instructed to just stand in the back and sway -- head off to Sectionals, where they've been slotted into the third and final performance spot, and wouldn't you know it? The Jane Addams girls immediately proceed to perform both "And I Am Telling You" and "Proud Mary" -- the latter in wheelchairs, no less -- leading to a major collective freak-out by our endearing underdogs that's only made worse when the deaf kids from Haverbrook tunelessly howl their way through "Don't Stop Believing," much to the teary-eyed delight of the Sectionals audience, so Will, apprised of this turn of events via a series of increasingly frantic cell phone conversations with Emma, convinces a still-pouting Finn to head to the auditorium to see what he can do to help the situation.
Once Finn arrives, everyone quickly agrees to a hastily revised set list that includes "Don't Rain On My Parade" from Funny Girl, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones, and a version of "Somebody To Love" that we don't get to see. International Recording Artist Eve And Her Ridiculously Crappy Wig, feeling guilty about accepting the McKinley set list from evil Sue Sylvester, attempts to remove the Jane Addams girls from the competition at the last minute, but the spectacularly unqualified judges -- who include a Carrie Prejean-esque fifth runner-up in the Miss Ohio pageant, a supremely unamused assistant state comptroller who's only there because her boss snagged some last-minute NASCAR tickets, and Sue's erstwhile paramour from the TV station -- have already reached their decision. And they award the trophy to New Directions. Of course.
Meanwhile, Will leaves Terri for good, Ken strands Emma at the altar, Emma announces she's leaving McKinley, Figgins fires Sue over the leaked set lists, and the eleven o'clock number is a version of Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You" that incorporates bits of choreography from just about every single number they've performed thus far this season. And in the end, Will chases after Emma to plant a sloppy wet one on her lips. How does she react? You'll have to wait until April to find out. Suckers!
Previously on Glee: The season thus far, duh. Currently on Glee, Kurt, Mercedes, Single-T Tina, and Artie are lounging around the baby grand in the music room, gossiping about who Mr. Schuester's replacement as Glee Club advisor might be after last week's unfortunate mattress incident when Rachel comes steaming in from the hall to wonder, "Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Quinn's aid during rehearsal yesterday?"
Smear to Rehearsal Yesterday, where Quinn's just now crashing onto her ass on the floor after slipping during a dance move. "Isitthebabyisitcoming?" Finn babbles, instantly kneeling by her side. "I think we're supposed to get hot towels!" Puck offers, having flown from the opposite end of the room to hold Quinn's hand in his. "Would you both just SHUT UP?" Quinn howls, shooting the two of them death glares while struggling to her feet on her own. "There's, like, sweat on the floor," she grumbles before insisting, "I'm fine!" Rachel stands on the sidelines amidst her gawping cohorts all gimlet-eyed and such until we...
...smear back to the present, where Kurt, Mercedes, Single-T Tina, and Artie lie pretty much in unison that they found nothing unusual whatsoever in Puck's behavior, especially given the fact that he and Quinn are friends. "It seemed like more than that," Rachel sighs before confiding, "I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic." Rachel rather amusingly activates her Manson Lamps on that last word while Mercedes shoots an equally amusing "Bitch kidding?" side-eye at Single-T Tina. Trumping them all, naturally, is Kurt, whose eyebrows have wafted towards the ceiling with maliciously gleeful disbelief while he purses his lips and leans slightly forward in his elegant perch atop a stool, the better not to miss a single syllable of the Capital-K Krazy now pouring from Rachel's delusional lips. Hee. "I can't read minds yet," Rachel whispers conspiratorially, "but I do have a sixth sense -- something is definitely going on there!" After the briefest of pauses, Kurt, Mercedes, Single-T Tina, and Artie bail, claiming they must be elsewhere at the moment, leaving poor Rachel and her delusional lips to chase after them all, "There's nothing to be scared of! It's not like Carrie, or anything!"
Hallway. "She's on to it," Mercedes groans into her cell phone. "I know!" Single-T Tina agrees into a cell phone of her own, despite the fact that she and Mercedes are strolling along right next to each other. "It's really freaking me out!" Single-T Tina adds before instructing Mercedes to hold up, as Artie's buzzing in. Single-T Tina switches to a party line just as the screen splits all "Telephone Hour" to include Wheels on the right, from which he squeaks, "Dudes, this is serious -- if she finds out, she's gonna tell Finn! She's a total trout mouth!" Single-T Tina passes her phone to the just-appearing Kurt, and the screen splits again to push Mercedes down into a frame of her own as Kurt smirks, "I say we lock Rachel up until after Sectionals -- I volunteer my basement!" Mercedes argues that they can't, as they need Rachel to sing, and barely has Kurt damned Rachel's talent straight to Hell when the screen splits again to accommodate Brittney and Santana Lopez, ringing in from somewhere else. "We just heard," Santana Lopez fumes. "Who told?" "We assumed it was you," Artie snips with a slight roll of his eyes, and throughout the remainder of this exchange, the four frames keep whizzing around in various configurations on the screen, so you'll forgive me if I miss some of the hysterical reaction shots during the conversation that follows, though I'll say it right now: Everyone in this entire sequence freaking rocks. In any event, Santana Lopez sneers, "Why would I do that?" "To get back at Puck," Kurt reasons. "Aren't you guys dating?" Santana Lopez schools him thusly: "Sex is not dating." "If it were," Brittney blurts, "Santana and I would be dating." Pause. During which Santana Lopez looks both horrified and guilty, Brittney looks clueless, Artie looks vaguely intrigued, Mercedes and Single-T Tina look extremely uncomfortable, and Kurt arches a brow and gazes heavenward all, "A-ha!" while the entire audience screams, "WHAT?!?!?!!" and lunges for the remote to rewind. HA! And when the moment has passed, Santana Lopez pulls it back together to retort, "Look, I don't want to rock the boat -- since Quinn got pregnant, I'm top dog around here." Mercedes suddenly hisses for everyone to shut up, as the subject of this impromptu electronically enhanced non-kaffee kaffeeklatch happens to be passing by at this very moment. "Hey, hot mama!" Mercedes calls out to Rachel, flashing her teeth and her bling and her faux joviality until Rachel's out of earshot, after which Mercedes drops the affable act just as quickly as she'd assumed it to grunt, "Look, I know I screwed up telling all you guys about Quinn and Puck, and I feel really terrible about it, but we cannot let Rachel figure this out -- if she tells Finn, he's going to flip!" "And then we really have no chance at Sectionals," Kurt concludes, because his secret love has apparently deafened him to the fact that Finn's singing sucks. Title card.
"Are you sure about this?" Will asks, and when the camera reverses, we see he's chatting with the adorably attired Emma in her office, whose otherwise immaculately spartan desktop features a prominent tome entitled, simply, GERMS. In any event, Emma eagerly nods her head, and it quickly becomes apparent through the conversation that follows that she's volunteered to assume responsibility for the Glee Club until Will finds a way to put that unfortunate mattress incident behind him. Of course, this includes her chaperoning the over-aged children to Sectionals despite the fact that her wedding's scheduled for the same day, but she assures Will that she and Ken Tanaka agreed to push the ceremony back a few hours. And how did Emma manage to convince Ken to go along with this plan? "I appealed to him as an educator," she smiles.
Smear to earlier that morning, where Emma's once more braved the malodorous boys' locker room to appeal to Ken as an educator, and it's going as well as one would expect. "You will always choose Schuester over me!" Ken spits. Emma shoutily reminds her betrothed that Will won't even be there, and insists she's simply "doing this for the kids." "I really thought that you, of all people, would understand this!" she bleats. Ken Tanaka is many, many things -- skunk brain, incompetent football coach, fondue pot of nationalities that will open his kids up to a host of genetic diseases -- but he is no fool. Well, as far as Will and Emma are concerned, at least. "This time," he replies to her bleat, barely controlling his anger, "I don't think that I do." With that, he flounces on out of the locker room just as we...
...smear back to the present, where Emma lies that Ken couldn't be happier about the situation, and as Will practically giggles with joy over the news, Emma flashes a brief look of utter despair at the camera. Poor Emma.
Hallway. Devious Rachel barrels on over to a now visibly knocked-up Quinn and blurts, "Hey! I know it's not my place, but have you had your doctor run the full genetic test panel on your unborn child?" Quinn's all, "Whaaaaa?" so Rachel explains that her cousin Leon and his wife got pregnant before they found out he was a Tay-Sachs carrier, and everybody freaked until the fetus tested clean, and oh, my God, I don't even know why I'm telling you this because they'd only test for Tay-Sachs if one of the parents were Jewish and never mind and I'll see you at rehearsal and bye!
"You have to take me to go get those Jewish baby tests!" Quinn heatedly whispers to Puck moments later in the music room while Rachel peers above her copy of Jazz Hands magazine to watch the bickering couple from afar like a somewhat psychic (but definitely not telekinetic) hawk. "Does this have to happen tonight?" Puck wonders before leaning in to explain his hesitation in hushed, confidential tones, "Because I've got my fight club!" Oh, Puck. You darling little rule-breaker, you. Un