McKinley Teachers' Lounge. Emma storms in from the hall to lambaste Will over Gwyneth Paltrow's supposedly inappropriate lesson the previous afternoon, but Will quickly defuses the situation by suggesting Emma and The Celibacy Club present a counter to Gwyneth's presentation in song. Emma's instantly mollified and announces, "I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall." Coach Beiste, who'd been sitting silently at Will's side through all this, nearly chokes on her chicken at that, and a mortified Emma's forced to splutter, "You know what I mean!" as she flounces back off from whence she came.
Hall. Mightily inspired by the previous afternoon's events, Lauren powers up to Puck to inform him that today is his lucky day. Lauren, you see, has been secretly lusting for Kardashian levels of fame her entire life and, with Gwyneth's help, she's realized that releasing a tape of her "intimate relations" with Puck can only serve to thrust her into the limelight, where both a television show and a fragrance to call her own are certain to await. "I'm not sure I got that last part right because I'm getting a little light-headed," Puck confesses as they link arms to saunter down the hallway, "but if we make one of those tapes, that means...." Puck stares down at Lauren's boobs. "Wow," Lauren eye-rolls. "If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills of deduction, I'm in for a wild night."
Meanwhile, over in an abandoned warehouse -- no, seriously -- Dreamboat Blaine stands before a rickety-looking set of platforms to welcome the young ladies of Dalton's sister school, Crawford Country Day, to a very special presentation by The Swallows. He'd gotten the idea from Sue to "sexify" The Swallows, you see, and to that end, he's invited the Crawford Country Day ladies to offer their critique of The Swallows' new routine. "Are we scream-worthy?" he asks them to determine. "Do we make your knees turn to jelly?" "Never in those asstastic uniforms of yours," the assembled ladies of Crawford Country Day do not reply, for they are merely glorified extras tasked with nothing more than adorning this evening's presentation with their chaste yet leggy loveliness. And with that, Blaine and The Swallows hop into a performance of something called "Animal" that was evidently written by a bunch of Mormons, and it will come as no surprise to regular viewers of Glee to learn that The Swallows are no sexier here than they ever were in any of their previous dorkadelic doo-woppy appearances on this show. Of course, it doesn't help that Kurt's apparent idea of "sexy" involves curling his fingers into claws while stomping out a furious Pony at Blaine's side, but all you really need to know about how debilitatingly unsexy the entire enterprise truly is can be summed up in two words: Foam party. Yes, Kurt and Blaine at one point turn a foam cannon loose upon both their Dalton brothers and their sisters from Crawford Country Day, and if you can think of anything more unsexy than a whirling scrum of polyester mixed with industrial-strength foam concentrate, I'd like to hear about it.