So, I was late getting home from work tonight and therefore completely missed this week's episode-opening set of contrivances that conspired to bring Gwyneth Paltrow back to McKinley High, but it quickly became apparent she was substituting for the school's sex education teacher, which: No, because everyone knows that the knuckle-draggers from the Phys. Ed. Department handle all adult-initiated conversations regarding peoples' naughty bits in high school, which means Coach Beiste should have been the one to put the kiddies off cucumber salad for the rest of their lives, so a massive whatever to that.
ANY-way, once it becomes clear the children are for the most part woefully misinformed when it comes to matters carnal, Gwyneth Paltrow convinces Will to let her back-door a little Human Reproduction primer into an otherwise innocuous Glee Club rehearsal, and the resulting shenanigans rather predictably lead to some wacky hijinks, including -- but not necessarily limited to -- the following:
- - Lauren wants to fast-track her way to Kardashian levels of fame by filming a sex tape with Puck, and she is most displeased to learn that any such tape would be considered child pornography, even though both Lauren and Puck are clearly well into their 30s by this point.
- - Emma resurrects the Celibacy Club, because she is a psycho neurotic freak from Hell who still hasn't consummated her marriage to Hot Carl, who ends up dumping her batshit insane ass because she is a psycho neurotic freak from Hell who still hasn't consummated her marriage to Hot Carl.
- - The Swallows throw an entirely heterosexual foam party for themselves, during which Kurt's O Face becomes a source of deep embarrassment for both Dreamboat Blaine and the entire viewing audience, so Dreamboat Blaine convinces Burt Hummel to have The Talk with his son, for some reason.
- - Quinn and Finn, like, totally do it in the middle of the afternoon.
- - Will and Gwyneth Paltrow, like, totally do it in the middle of the music room.
- - Santana Lopez confesses her secret love to Brit-Brit, and they run into the bedroom and hold each other with vanilla candles burning and Tracy Chapman playing until Brit-Brit decides she can't dump the guy in the wheelchair, and Santana Lopez cries honest-to-God tears of honest-to-God heartbreak and rage because she finally opened herself up to somebody, and look at what it got her, for Christ's sake. Stupid Brittany.
Featuring "Do You Wanna Touch Me" from actual pederast Gary Glitter by way of Joan Jett And The Blackhearts, as performed by Gwyneth Paltrow; something called "Animal" by something called "Neon Trees," as performed by The Swallows; Squeeze classic "Tempted", as played beneath a relevant scene between Brit-Brit and Santana Lopez; "Kiss" by The Art Of Noise because His Purple Majesty won't post the frigging original to YouTube, as performed by Gwyneth Paltrow, Will, and a dozen middle-aged chorines who think they're starring in a dinner theater production of Chicago; Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide," performed as an expression of their white-hot dykadelic lurrrrve for each other by Santana and Brit-Brit, with an entirely unnecessary assist from Gwyneth Paltrow; and a terrifically wrongheaded rendition of Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight" by Puck, Quinn, Rachel, Emma and Hot Carl, the latter of whom shall never again grace McKinley's stage because he's probably taking Charlie Sheen's old job on Two And A Half Men.
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With a firm little "tap-TAP!" of her gavel, Emma calls the latest meeting of McKinley High's Celibacy Club to order, and we're off! Since last we saw it, The Celibacy Club's fortunes have evidently fallen quite a bit, for the club's only two members nowadays are Quinn and Rachel, the latter of whom spent the entirety of last week's meeting "quizzing Quinn on the nature of her relationship with Finn," according to Miss Pillsbury's immaculately maintained minutes. "Questions somebody still refuses to answer," Rachel passive-aggressively murmurs from her seat at the exact opposite end of the otherwise cavernously empty room from Quinn, who for her part responds in turn, "And I will continue to refuse to answer them because they are none of your business!" All Quinn is willing to allow is that she rejoined The Celibacy Club to focus on herself, a claim Rachel quickly echoes, adding a petulant "Finn is Kryptonite!" for good measure. Rachel also adds that she's intent, now, on her songwriting, for as you'll recall, New Directions will probably be performing several original works at this year's Regionals competition. However, as that will be the unfortunate LTG's unfortunate cross to bear next week, I'll not be dwelling on it here, and instead will focus in on Miss Pillsbury, who takes this opportunity to congratulate the girls on their newfound resolve like so: "I have to say I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy, and for those who are older and terrified of the hose monster." I'd argue that neither Quinn nor Rachel has ever showed anyone much of anything as far as celibacy is concerned up to this point on the show, but I'm pretty sure I'm meant to ignore that part of it all in favor of wondering where Emma's amusing "hose monster" comment will be leading us this evening. Just guessing.
In any event, while Quinn and Rachel shoot each other befuddled side-eyes over Miss Pillsbury's apparent overshare, the oblivious-seeming Emma blithely segues to her next topic of conversation: The "club swag" she's designed that she believes is really going to catch on with the kids. She spins around a cunning little jewelry display form in the shape of a miniature dressmaker's dummy to reveal a silvery Valentine-themed lock-and-key set. The chain length on the key is short enough to ensure that said key nestles close to the dummy's heart, while the lock itself is perhaps not-so-coincidentally dangling all the way down where the dummy's hoo-hah should be. Very sly, Glee. Very sly. The plan -- and just go with it -- is to hand out the locks for free while withholding the keys. "That way," Miss Pillsbury reasons, "nobody can open the lock forever and, ladies, that's what keeps us safe!" Quinn smilingly nods her approval for whatever inexplicable reason, but Rachel's all addled over some questions she's been curious about for quite some time. "No, no, no!" Miss Pillsbury interrupts, somewhat manically adding, "Why be curious? No! Wait to have relations until you're comfortable, right?" "Maybe 'til your honeymoon -- maybe even later!" Miss Pillsbury all but raves, much to Rachel's fairly amusing discomfort. "Celibacy, ladies!" she concludes in a rousing cheer. "Dig it!" Title card.