With a firm little "tap-TAP!" of her gavel, Emma calls the latest meeting of McKinley High's Celibacy Club to order, and we're off! Since last we saw it, The Celibacy Club's fortunes have evidently fallen quite a bit, for the club's only two members nowadays are Quinn and Rachel, the latter of whom spent the entirety of last week's meeting "quizzing Quinn on the nature of her relationship with Finn," according to Miss Pillsbury's immaculately maintained minutes. "Questions somebody still refuses to answer," Rachel passive-aggressively murmurs from her seat at the exact opposite end of the otherwise cavernously empty room from Quinn, who for her part responds in turn, "And I will continue to refuse to answer them because they are none of your business!" All Quinn is willing to allow is that she rejoined The Celibacy Club to focus on herself, a claim Rachel quickly echoes, adding a petulant "Finn is Kryptonite!" for good measure. Rachel also adds that she's intent, now, on her songwriting, for as you'll recall, New Directions will probably be performing several original works at this year's Regionals competition. However, as that will be the unfortunate LTG's unfortunate cross to bear next week, I'll not be dwelling on it here, and instead will focus in on Miss Pillsbury, who takes this opportunity to congratulate the girls on their newfound resolve like so: "I have to say I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy, and for those who are older and terrified of the hose monster." I'd argue that neither Quinn nor Rachel has ever showed anyone much of anything as far as celibacy is concerned up to this point on the show, but I'm pretty sure I'm meant to ignore that part of it all in favor of wondering where Emma's amusing "hose monster" comment will be leading us this evening. Just guessing.
In any event, while Quinn and Rachel shoot each other befuddled side-eyes over Miss Pillsbury's apparent overshare, the oblivious-seeming Emma blithely segues to her next topic of conversation: The "club swag" she's designed that she believes is really going to catch on with the kids. She spins around a cunning little jewelry display form in the shape of a miniature dressmaker's dummy to reveal a silvery Valentine-themed lock-and-key set. The chain length on the key is short enough to ensure that said key nestles close to the dummy's heart, while the lock itself is perhaps not-so-coincidentally dangling all the way down where the dummy's hoo-hah should be. Very sly, Glee. Very sly. The plan -- and just go with it -- is to hand out the locks for free while withholding the keys. "That way," Miss Pillsbury reasons, "nobody can open the lock forever and, ladies, that's what keeps us safe!" Quinn smilingly nods her approval for whatever inexplicable reason, but Rachel's all addled over some questions she's been curious about for quite some time. "No, no, no!" Miss Pillsbury interrupts, somewhat manically adding, "Why be curious? No! Wait to have relations until you're comfortable, right?" "Maybe 'til your honeymoon -- maybe even later!" Miss Pillsbury all but raves, much to Rachel's fairly amusing discomfort. "Celibacy, ladies!" she concludes in a rousing cheer. "Dig it!" Title card.