Episode Report Card
Demian: A | Grade It Now!
Tensies For Menses

Several days later (I'm guessing), the camera finds a downcast Emma nibbling away on her assiduously polished grapes in the teachers' lounge while admitting to Will, "I'm just so disappointed." "Why?" Will wonders, adding, "I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on." "I did," Emma nods, "until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings." Will, strangely enough, has absolutely no reaction to that bit of news, and instead decides to gift Emma with a little pep-talk, assuring her that while "preaching abstinence is hard," he's seen first-hand the havoc an unplanned pregnancy can unleash upon a hapless teenager's life, and he therefore urges her to keep fighting the good fight. "And I'm happy," he promises her, "to do whatever I can to help make celibacy an option for these kids. "I don't know, hot stuff," a familiar voice calls out from the lounge's door, and the camera zooms up and over to focus in on the wry expression plastered across Gwyneth Paltrow's face as she continues in a sing-song tone of voice, "Sounds pretty laaaa-aaaaame!" "Holly!" Will exclaims, delighted to see her again. "What are you doing here?" "Subbing!" she happily chimes, crossing over for a friendly little hug. "The Health And Wellness teacher's out with a mad case of the herp!" she explains, adding in a mugging aside for the mortified Emma's apparent benefit, "Yikers!" Just between you and me, I kind of love Gwyneth Paltrow on this show. And that's making me question my sanity.

But that's neither here nor there, I suppose. At Will's enthusiastically offered invitation, Gwyneth joins them at their table, and not a moment passes before Emma primly establishes this evening's primary conflict by sniffing, "So, I'm curious why you don't think that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers." "I think it's a valid choice," Gwyneth airily lies before revealing her true opinion on the matter like so: "I just don't think it's that realistic -- you know, it's like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions." Will heartily guffaws at Gwyneth's joke, because he is desperate to get laid. Emma glares at him, but remains silent as Gwyneth backs her joke up with a little anecdotal evidence culled from last January's midmonth news cycle. Seems "ninety high school girls in a Memphis school district" -- a Memphis school district that relied solely upon abstinence-only sex education, by the way -- "got pregnant within three months," and while Gwyneth allows that it is Tennessee they're talking about, here, they've got to "shake things up" at McKinley before it's too late, because "information is power." "By the way, Will," she adds reproachfully, "some of your Glee kids are the most clueless."

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