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Demian: A | Grade It Now!
Tensies For Menses

"...Ohmigod, Brittany's pregnant!" Santana immediately spits, turning from Brittany's locker to link arms with the just-arriving Single-T Tina for a power-walk of disbelief through the hall. "Brittany's pregnant!" Single-T Tina repeats, practically shouting the news into the just-passing Puck's face. "Only a matter of time!" Puck grins as he continues in the opposite direction, the just-appearing Lauren flipping her hair around to wonder, "For what?" "Brittany to get pregnant," Puck shrugs. "Congratulations!" Lauren sings to the just-materializing Artie, slapping him on the back for good measure. "For what?" Artie smiles, clearly expecting good news. "You didn't hear?" Lauren bellows as she and Puck continue on their way past hundreds of their fellow students. "Your girlfriend's preggo! You're gonna be a baby daddy!" The camera zips in to focus on Artie's sudden rictus of terror as the bell rings to boot us on over to...

...the music room, where Will enters to find poor Artie all but paralytic with dismay. "My life is over!" Artie moans at Mr. Schue's prompting. "How am I supposed to support a baby?" All eyes turn to Brit-Brit, who apologizes profusely for attempting to keep Artie in the dark about the whole thing before admitting, "I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off." "I'm pretty sure it's a boy," she smiles confidently at the room. Puck, to his immense credit, furrows his brow and goes, "Um. Babies don't get dropped off." They do in Brittany's world, honey. "Three days ago," she delightedly explains, "a stork built its nest on top of my garage!" "I'm not stupid," she insists despite all evidence to the contrary. "It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby." The various reaction shots of dumbfounded disbelief now ricocheting around the music room really do need to be seen to be believed, though I think my favorites come from Santana Lopez and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen. "And that's when I realized you were right," an equally dumbstruck Mr. Schue admits in voiceover shortly before the camera escorts us over to...

...the Health-And-Wellness Jazzercize class Gwyneth Paltrow's holding for her fellow faculty members? Yeah, sure, whatever. Besides, the class itself isn't as high up on the scale of total stupidity as those exercise togs are. Everybody -- with the notable exception of Will himself, of course -- looks like they just dropped out of one of those Morning Stretch videos from the 1980s that Saturday Night Live so memorably parodied when Drew Barrymore was hosting a few years ago. Gwyneth, in fact, is working both the metallic turquoise headband and the Chrissy Snow side ponytail which combined should be making me vomit until blood and bits of my stomach lining come shooting out of my nose but -- and God damn Gwyneth Paltrow straight to Hell for this -- I can't help but feel a little giggly at the sight of it. Anyway, the point of the dialogue peppering the scene that follows is this: Will now agrees that the children must be educated in matters carnal, but he's loath to risk "titillating" them in the process. Gwyneth proposes they "sneak in the sex education in a less provocative way," and to that end, she has Will agree to let her lead a Glee Club rehearsal. "The kids will think they're getting ready for Regionals," she insists, "but really, I'll slip a little lesson about how to avoid STDs." And speaking of STDs, how's Will's love life? Pretty bleak, as he all-too-readily admits with a sheepish yet seductive grin on his face, for he is even more desperate to get laid than he was before. "That's a waste of some fine man-butt," Gwyneth sagely opines, and with that, we're back to...

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