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Tensies For Menses

...the music room, where Mr. Schue's just scrawled the word "SEXY" across the whiteboard. "I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals," Santana Lopez sighs, "because with Berry in those tights, we don't stand a chance." Point to Santana Lopez. Mr. Schue ignores Santana's cogent analysis of Rachel's dress sense (or lack thereof) to admit that this afternoon's lesson has little to do with Regionals and more to do with the fact that the children seem "lacking when it comes to understanding the intricacies of adult relationships." Rachel is already horrified. "Is this the appropriate forum for that?" she prudishly inquires, wrinkling her nose in disgust. Mr. Schue correctly points out that the Glee Club frequently attempted to resolve pressing issues through song in the past and, in keeping with that established precedent, he's invited Miss Holliday to lead that afternoon's rehearsal.

On cue, Gwyneth sashays through the door clad in skintight black leather from top to toe, and she wastes very little time getting down to business: "Sex," she lectures with a brilliant smile on her face, "is just like hugging, only wetter." This elicits a rather vociferous agreement from Artie that may or may not have been accompanied by a fist-bump. "Let's start with the basics," Gwyneth continues, marching over to Frankenteen, of whom she asks, "Is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?" "I have always been dubious," Finn warily claims. Heh. "And Brittany?" Gwyneth proceeds, turning on the erstwhile bit of cannon fodder in question. "You think that storks bring babies?" "I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons," Brit-Brit admits. "Well, that's all gonna end right here, right now," Gwyneth vows, "because today, we are gonna get under the covers all together and get the diddy on the dirty!" Poor Gaylord looks deeply confused at Gwyneth's use of the word "diddy" in that sentence while randy Puck breathes, "I'm so turned on right now." "What about those of us who choose to remain celibate?" Rachel blares from way up in the cheap seats, clutching on to Quinn's arm for support. Quinn, for her part, vigorously shoves Rachel away. Hee. Just as Gwyneth reiterates her earlier point that celibates are "naive, and possibly frigid," though, Mr. Schue harrumphs that now would be the perfect time for Gwyneth's performance. This evening's special guest cheerfully agrees and begins the lesson proper like so: "Rule Number One -- every intimate encounter that you're ever gonna have in your life is gonna start with a touch."

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